Kucinich Remains Undaunted

Report by Claire Stevens, PA Chapter

Ohio Democratic Rep. Dennis Kucinich was the pride of House Liberals again today after stirring up the Bush impeachment pot once again. Kucinich, who has introduced articles of impeachment countless times with the same results as his presidential bids, stood once again before the Judiciary Committee today, and once again, despite cheers from the committee’s Democrats, got nowhere. A Kucinich aide took a few moments to answer questions by phone about the irrepressible man from Ohio.

AoE:   Kucinich appears to be a squirrelly little man with no idea of when to quit, is that true?

Aide: Denny believes that Bush is a crook, he’s just doing what he believes is his job.

AoE: Granted, Bush is a crook, but with so many disappointments under his belt, wouldn’t Kucinich want to crawl under a rock somewhere and die?

Aide: Many of us around the office have long wondered what keeps Denny going; even he knows that whatever he puts his mind to will not end well for him.

AoE: Does he seem to be concerned about his repetitive failures?

Aide: Denny lives by a motto that he has hung on his office wall: “Keep expectations low, and nobody will know that you’ve failed.”

AoE: I’ve got another one for him: “Failure: stick to what you’re good at.”

Aide: Was that a question?

AoE: Did it sound like a question?

Aide: Bitch [Click]

S.F. to Dedicate Sewer to Bush

Report by Brenda Hanson, CA Chapter

In an effort to celebrate the Presidency of George W. Bush, San Francisco, California is considering a ballot measure that would rename a local sewage treatment center the George W. Bush Sewage Plant. Area resident, Bill Trainer, created a graph (depicted below) showing key similarities between Bush’s standard system of information dissemination and an actual sewage plant. Trainer called Bush’s presidency a “modern marvel which could only be celebrated adequately through the dedication of the treatment plant.” San Francisco mayor, Gavin Newsom applauded the measure, declaring that there is “no more fitting memorial to the Bush Administration.” San Francisco area residents will decide the issue by ballot in November.

InBev to Buy Budweiser, McCain

Report by Stan Lawrence, MO Chapter

The Belgian Brewing giant, InBev, announced it’s plans to take control of Anheuser-Busch (A-B) at a cost of $52 billion, creating the largest beer producing conglomerate in the world. 

Negotiations for the deal, which were attended by A-B heiress and wife of White House hopeful John McCain, Cindy McCain, were reportedly at a stand still until Mrs. McCain offered to sweeten the deal by including a controlling share in her husband. Through Mrs. McCain’s interest in A-B, the McCain’s stand to gain nearly $5 billion upon the close of the InBev deal and $20 billion more via eventual inheritance.

A spokesperson for InBev, on the condition of anonymity, praised the deal by noting that InBev stands to recover most of the additional purchase price paid for McCain over the next four years, through tax breaks that McCain could secure for them as a U.S. Senator, “imagine how profitable it will be for InBev if McCain actually wins the Presidency!” The InBev - A-B deal had stalled at a price of $45 billion prior to Mrs. McCain’s offer, indicating that InBev valued control of Sen. McCain at roughly $7 billion. If that estimate is correct, McCain’s price sets a new record for money paid for a nominee for President, beating Haliburton’s 2000 purchase of George W. Bush by almost $1 billion.

New Bill Forgives Past Illegal Wiretapping

Report by Martha Coleman, CT Chapter

A consortium of telecommunication giants breathed a deep sigh of relief Friday as the House passed a bill that effectively forgave them of abusing the Constitutional Rights of U.S. citizens. “It seems as though all the ‘campaign contributions’ paid off,” exclaimed a spokesperson for the group, adding a sly wink. The bill, which was dubbed “an overhaul of the wiretapping laws” not only purports to legalized the use of warrantless wiretaps, a Constitutional violation according to the U.S. Supreme Court, but retroactively forgives past violations of Constitutional rights by the Bush Administration and participating telecommunication companies.

The bill, which was provided to Congress less than 24 hours before the vote, was hurried through the House in total disregard of the standard seven day waiting period that provides an opportunity for Congresspersons to read the legislation. George W. Bush addressed Congress Friday prior to the vote, saying the plan “will help our intelligence professionals learn our enemies' plans for new attacks, and help us keep tabs on ‘subversives,’” adding air quotes and a mischievous grin to his last word as if it was an inside joke. Rep. Pete Hoekstra (R-MI) addressed the speed at which the bill moved through the House by asking rhetorically, “Who the hell reads bills anyway?” “We have ‘special consultants’ to do the reading for us,” added Hoekstra, referring to corporate lobbyists.

Mukasey Endorses McCain, Patriot Act

Report by Helen Mathews, MS Chapter

Former Federal District Judge and current Attorney General of the United States Michael Mukasey vocalized his endorsement for Senator John McCain today in a press conference. “John McCain is right man for the job,” announced Mukasey, adding, “Under McCain’s leadership, we will carry on the job started by Bush and Ashcroft, and continued by Gonzales,” referring to abuses of the USA Patriot Act.

The Patriot Act, enacted under the guise of protecting Americans from international terrorism, has been used extensively by the Bush Administration to wiretap, check library, medical, and internet records, and in various other ways, spy on lawful American citizens. In his statement, Mukasey praised the Act for its effectiveness in bringing down former NY Governor Elliot Spitzer for prostitution and subsequently aiding in the defeat of Spitzer’s close ally, Hillary Clinton, by Barack Obama. When asked what prostitution had to do with international terrorism, Mukasey retorted, “Don’t be naive. The Patriot Act was never about terrorism, that was a diversion used to implement a tool that has proved invaluable in the quest to strengthen the Administration against the so-called “rights” of U.S. citizens.

First Daughters to Share Playboy Spread

Report by Richard Dinkins, OR Chapter

Current First Daughters, twin sisters Jenna and Barbara Bush, and former First Daughter Chelsea Clinton recently revealed that they signed a record deal with Playboy magazine to appear nude together in an upcoming issue of the well known men’s magazine. The pictorial, which is to be called “Girls of the White House” is not the first of its kind. The spread is following in the tradition of Patty Reagan, who famously disrobed during her father’s tenure as President of the United States. Fathers George W. Bush and Bill Clinton issued a joint statement calling the layout “an excellent example of bipartisan camaraderie.” Separately, Bill Clinton noted excitedly that he has "been itchin’ to see those Bush girls naked.”

A White House insider disclosed that Playboy also made First Lady Laura Bush a lucrative offer to undress for the camera, but Mrs. Bush declined saying that “certain aspects of her anatomy were reserved for her husband’s eyes only.” Upon hearing whispers of the offer made to Laura Bush, Hillary Clinton reportedly contacted Hugh Hefner directly demanding to know why no such offer was made to her. Hefner apparently replied that “it would be in the best interest of everyone for [Hillary] to keep [her] clothes on.”

Secret Bush Plan to Attack Iran

Report by Gerard Fine, TX Chapter

Sources close to the White House and Department of Defense revealed, on the condition of anonymity, that the Bush Administration is planning an all-out offensive on Iran in November. “On Wednesday, November 5, 2008, the United States will send forces West from Afghanistan, East from Iraq, and North from the Persian Gulf in a simultaneous push that will cut Iran off from the world and any possible aid ... hopefully,” disclosed a source close to the Administration. “This has been the goal for the last eight years, and we’re way behind schedule,” noted a DoD source. The source continued by saying, “we expected to be at this point three and a half years ago, and although we’re still not ready, we’ve got to make the move before Obama takes over, or we’ll have spent 8 years setting up this job and wasted thousands of American lives for nothing.”

Sources indicate that George W. Bush assumed that the Iraq engagement would be contained prior to the 2004 election, and that he’d use that victory to sweep his way to a landslide reelection. The U.S. positions in Iraq and Afghanistan would provide perfect staging areas to launch the Iran phase once Bush’s second term was secured. To date, there has been no such victory in Iraq, and no incoming president would jeopardize his second term by waging war on Iran ... unless, rationalizes the Administration, the war had already begun. Therefore, Bush and his crack team of military advisors have decided to launch an attack with less than 90 days remaining in his term so that Congress can not stop it prematurely, and after Super Tuesday, so that the attack won’t present another hurdle to McCain’s longshot bid for the Presidency. The move will burden the incoming Barack Obama with an ongoing war that he would do best to finish than to surrender.

Republicans to McClellan, "We Never Liked You!"

Report by Sanford Lewis, WI Chapter

Former White House press Secretary Scott McClellan recently released a tell-all book about the Bush White House, including scandalous revelations of fraud, deceit, and incompetence. McClellan’s targets included not only the sitting President, but Dick Cheney, Karl Rove, and “Scooter” Libby among others. The majority of the Republican Party, led by the so-called “NeoCons”, responded to the release by telling McClellan that, despite previous interactions to the contrary, “we never liked you anyway!”

I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby, former Chief of Staff to Vice President Dick Cheney, noted NeoCon and felon, explained that, “although [Republicans] may have appeared to embrace McClellan in the past, we have always made fun of him behind his back.” Conservative radio personality Michael Medved, echoed Libby and added, “I could never stand that back stabbing publicity whore, I just acted like I liked him because I thought the establishment wanted me too.”

Not all Republicans acted so quickly to shun the former administration insider. Rex Jenkins, a conservative rural businessman noted, “He’s kind of a prick for ratting out his friends, but its probably the first honest word we’ve heard from inside the White House in 20, maybe 30, years.” However cynical it appears, it seems that many Americans consider admissions of dishonesty to be the only honest statements to come from our politicians.

The apparent success of McClellan’s book has prompted him to consider a follow-up book about George W. Bush. “There so much dirt in the White House, I’ve got fodder for about ten books,” revealed McClellan. He continued, “I’ve got pictures of Dubya in a french bikini - I’m going to have to work that in somehow - God we were so high that night ...”

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Bush to Attack Bermuda

Report by Edmond King, LA Chapter

On Thursday, President George W. Bush, set into motion a plan to create a retirement villa fit for a king. A source close to the President reported that President Bush had been considering Bermuda as a site for his retirement, however was hesitant because of the U.K. control of the islands. “The President loves Bermuda, but under British control, it just isn’t a suitable place for an ex-President of the United States; therefore the Bush Administration has decided to overtake the collective of islands and declare them a U.S. Territory.”

Reports indicate that a Bush led assault will commence at 05:00 Saturday with bombs being dropped via fighter jets onto the strategic targets of Hamilton, the capital of Bermuda, the historic town of St. George’s, and the Royal Naval Dockyard on Ireland Island South. “The President expects a quick and decisive resolution,” indicated a source close to the White House, “in addition to the air raids, Bush has instructed the Navy to surround the islands, making English fortification impossible.” General Petraeus, recently recalled from Iraq to carry out the Bermuda invasion, estimated a 45 - 60 minutes siege, saying, “those English bastards will be grabbing their ankles screaming ‘bangers and mash’ in no time.”

Once the islands are under U.S. control, President Bush will begin construction of a 500,000 square foot palacial retirement villa for himself and Laura so that he may retire in a manner “suitable for a U.S. President.” The villa, designed by famed architect Peter Eisenman, who currently teaches at Yale University is set to begin construction in February of 2009. In a backroom deal made with Congress, the Bush family will purchase 500 acres of prime Bermuda real estate for 5 cents an acre. President Bush defended the plan by saying, “Imperialism is what made America great! Besides, Bermuda is a helluva lot closer to the U.S. than Britain, and should rightfully be ours anyway.”