Report by Gerald Lotonmeier, OK Chapter
The Sooner State unveiled its new State Motto Tuesday to an excited crowd of almost 15 Oklahomans. The new Motto, “Pity us!”, is an attempt by the Oklahoma Legislature to bring attention to the plight which is living in Oklahoma. The state has long been considered the armpit of the South, and despite boasting the most obese city in the nation, the Oklahoma tourism industry is virtually non-existent. Having no
marketable assets with which to lure visitors to the state, Oklahoma has decided to invoke the pity card to entice soft-hearted would-be tourists to at least drive through the state, fill up with gas, and by a cold soda, on the way to a more interesting destination.
Oklahoma Governor Brad Henry applauded the new motto saying, “After enduring almost a billion jokes about Oklahoma being ‘The Sooner feed my own intestines into a meat grinder than be there State’ we have accepted our inadequacy and have decided to hang our hat on the only thing going for us, namely our pitiableness.”
Report by Jeanine Folson, CA Chapter
California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger urged the California Assembly to pass a controversial ban on what many laughingly refer to as “man-boobs.” In his statement to state legislators, Schwarzenegger singled out octogenarian Jack Nicholson, calling the famed actor a “sissified ‘guhrlie maan’ with [breasts] as big as Maria [Shriver].” The former body builder and movie star rebuked California, once the home of “tight bodied surfer dudes who really knew their way around a long board,” for becoming the home of “fat, fleshy piggies.” The Governator’s plan would give fat-chested men 90 days to “pump their flabby, fleshy ‘guhrlie’ bodies into shape, or they will be put on a Greyhound to Oklahoma.” Schwarzenegger’s statement ended by stating, “It’s time to send the piggies away ... go away piggies, go away.”
Larry Banister, proprietor of Larry’s Frozen Custard in Burbank, CA, and a man personally threatened by the proposed ban, responded to the news by nervously blending delicious frozen custard with tasty morsels of rich milk chocolate and caramel nuggets, then absconding to his back office to pacify his emotions with the heavenly treat and to call his mother for comfort.
