Family Values No Longer Part of Official Republican Platform

Report by Aimee Johnson, GA Chapter

In response to numerous sex scandals - in particular, several recent public affairs by high ranking Republicans - the Republican National Committee (RNC) voted Thursday to remove “Family Values” from the official GOP platform. Michael Steele, RNC Chairman, in a speech to the Committee, urged his fellow Republicans to vote to end touting family values by saying, “If we ever want to get votes again, we must stop preaching about family values then inevitably turn around and bang our secretaries. We’re not going stop banging our secretaries, so our only realistic course of action is to stop espousing family values. In that way we won’t be hypocritical pigs, just pigs, and that’s like ... 50 percent better.”

Despite the family-oriented rhetoric of Republicans, GOP politicians provide easy fodder for tabloids and gossip columnists. South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford (seen here top-left describing how thin his Brazilian whore is) and Sen. John Ensign (R-NV) recently made headlines with their extramarital affairs. In just the past few years, former Congressman Mark Foley of Florida (pictured here on the right savoring the taste of a teenage boy), and former Senator Larry Craig of Idaho (caught here with snack cake industry lobbyist Twinkie the Kid) fell from grace for soliciting sex from boys and airport defecators respectively. Additionally, GOP activists such as Neal Horsley (sex with man and mule), Randal Ankeney (drugged and raped a 13 year old girl), and Parker J. Bena (possession of child porn) have revealed to America just how truly little GOP politicians really care about families and morality.

Former Speaker of the House, Republican icon Newt Gingrich, who has been guilty of several extramarital affairs, commented on the move by saying, “It’s good to see that the RNC is finally on the same page as Republican politicians.”

Washington News In Brief

Womanizing Senator Lays Claim to A-Rod’s Girl

Report by Bethany Foster, AK Chapter

Twice caught in adulterous relationships, Senator John Ensign (R-NV), the self-titled Defender of American Morality, has apparently thrown caution and decency to the wind, being seen around DC with the 14 year-old daughter of Alaska Governor Sarah Palin.  Ensign, who just days ago admitted to a second affair during his successful 2008 reelection bid, shocked the news media Tuesday by boasting that he “tapped all the trim” amongst his campaign staff, “not just [Cynthia Hampton].”

Having admitted his depraved lusts, Ensign, who was a strident advocate of impeaching then-President Clinton for “sinning on a blue dress”, was seen Wednesday with the former girlfriend of Alex Rodrequez, Willow Palin.  The Senator pulled some strings to get the 14 year-old Alaskan into some of the poshest clubs in Washington DC, where the duo partied until nearly 4 am.

Obama Responds to Parallels Between Him and Christ

Report by Helen Ramirez, CA Chapter

Though President Barack Obama denies that he is an incarnation of Jesus Christ, even he cannot deny the similarity.  Obama’s Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, speaking on behalf of the President, revealed that President Obama appreciates the gestures and the worship directed towards him, but despite his Deity-likeness, he is not the embodiment of the second coming of Christ.  “Barack Obama brought change, just like Christ,” stated Gibbs.  “The resemblance is eerie.  For instance, ‘Barack Obama’ and ‘Christ Jesus’ have the same number of letters in their names - and they even share the same middle initial ‘H’.”  Beyond that, Gibbs had a hard time coming with examples to prove the parallel.

Barbara Flores, a California woman arrested in April for spray painting “Obama is God” on buildings in and around San Diego, and subsequently pardoned by the President, called herself a modern day John the Baptist, proclaiming the glory of the god-king Obama.  “Behold the signs that have appeared,” ranted Flores, “I have seen visions on the Internet.”  Flores subsequently admitted to finding the images using Google, but claimed that she was told to do so in a dream.  Among the images Flores found were the sensationalized painting (top left) by Michael D'Antuono, and this photoshopped image of Obama as a Saint.