Friday, June 19, 2009

Washington News In Brief

Womanizing Senator Lays Claim to A-Rod’s Girl

Report by Bethany Foster, AK Chapter

Twice caught in adulterous relationships, Senator John Ensign (R-NV), the self-titled Defender of American Morality, has apparently thrown caution and decency to the wind, being seen around DC with the 14 year-old daughter of Alaska Governor Sarah Palin.  Ensign, who just days ago admitted to a second affair during his successful 2008 reelection bid, shocked the news media Tuesday by boasting that he “tapped all the trim” amongst his campaign staff, “not just [Cynthia Hampton].”

Having admitted his depraved lusts, Ensign, who was a strident advocate of impeaching then-President Clinton for “sinning on a blue dress”, was seen Wednesday with the former girlfriend of Alex Rodrequez, Willow Palin.  The Senator pulled some strings to get the 14 year-old Alaskan into some of the poshest clubs in Washington DC, where the duo partied until nearly 4 am.

Obama Responds to Parallels Between Him and Christ

Report by Helen Ramirez, CA Chapter

Though President Barack Obama denies that he is an incarnation of Jesus Christ, even he cannot deny the similarity.  Obama’s Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, speaking on behalf of the President, revealed that President Obama appreciates the gestures and the worship directed towards him, but despite his Deity-likeness, he is not the embodiment of the second coming of Christ.  “Barack Obama brought change, just like Christ,” stated Gibbs.  “The resemblance is eerie.  For instance, ‘Barack Obama’ and ‘Christ Jesus’ have the same number of letters in their names - and they even share the same middle initial ‘H’.”  Beyond that, Gibbs had a hard time coming with examples to prove the parallel.

Barbara Flores, a California woman arrested in April for spray painting “Obama is God” on buildings in and around San Diego, and subsequently pardoned by the President, called herself a modern day John the Baptist, proclaiming the glory of the god-king Obama.  “Behold the signs that have appeared,” ranted Flores, “I have seen visions on the Internet.”  Flores subsequently admitted to finding the images using Google, but claimed that she was told to do so in a dream.  Among the images Flores found were the sensationalized painting (top left) by Michael D'Antuono, and this photoshopped image of Obama as a Saint.


Chickenista said...

OMG!!! This "man" I won't call him President until he acts like one, is nothing to fuck with. He's a joke and I really feel sorry for those that see him in a way other than an arrogant inexperienced man, who thinks he's Will Smith but looks and acts like Steve Irkel, those are brainwashed people calling him a messiah. He hasn't saved us from anything yet. Just got us in deeper.

RE Ausetkmt said...

He is the Blood Diamond..

Anonymous said...

Your local correspondents are doing a bang-up job there, Thaddeus. Hats off to them both and kudos and all that jazz. This is the hard-hitting news I expect from your site.