Washington News In Brief

Womanizing Senator Lays Claim to A-Rod’s Girl

Report by Bethany Foster, AK Chapter

Twice caught in adulterous relationships, Senator John Ensign (R-NV), the self-titled Defender of American Morality, has apparently thrown caution and decency to the wind, being seen around DC with the 14 year-old daughter of Alaska Governor Sarah Palin.  Ensign, who just days ago admitted to a second affair during his successful 2008 reelection bid, shocked the news media Tuesday by boasting that he “tapped all the trim” amongst his campaign staff, “not just [Cynthia Hampton].”

Having admitted his depraved lusts, Ensign, who was a strident advocate of impeaching then-President Clinton for “sinning on a blue dress”, was seen Wednesday with the former girlfriend of Alex Rodrequez, Willow Palin.  The Senator pulled some strings to get the 14 year-old Alaskan into some of the poshest clubs in Washington DC, where the duo partied until nearly 4 am.

Obama Responds to Parallels Between Him and Christ

Report by Helen Ramirez, CA Chapter

Though President Barack Obama denies that he is an incarnation of Jesus Christ, even he cannot deny the similarity.  Obama’s Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, speaking on behalf of the President, revealed that President Obama appreciates the gestures and the worship directed towards him, but despite his Deity-likeness, he is not the embodiment of the second coming of Christ.  “Barack Obama brought change, just like Christ,” stated Gibbs.  “The resemblance is eerie.  For instance, ‘Barack Obama’ and ‘Christ Jesus’ have the same number of letters in their names - and they even share the same middle initial ‘H’.”  Beyond that, Gibbs had a hard time coming with examples to prove the parallel.

Barbara Flores, a California woman arrested in April for spray painting “Obama is God” on buildings in and around San Diego, and subsequently pardoned by the President, called herself a modern day John the Baptist, proclaiming the glory of the god-king Obama.  “Behold the signs that have appeared,” ranted Flores, “I have seen visions on the Internet.”  Flores subsequently admitted to finding the images using Google, but claimed that she was told to do so in a dream.  Among the images Flores found were the sensationalized painting (top left) by Michael D'Antuono, and this photoshopped image of Obama as a Saint.

AoE Reported the Election Results in March

Reminder by Thaddeus Stanley, Senior Communications Officer

The election results come as no surprise for AoE members. As early as March of this year, the AoE reported that a group of elite "Progressive Neo-Cons" that secretly runs the American political mechanism had determined that Obama would be the next President of the United States.  That report stated, "Obama will be President, The Group will see to that,” stated a noted DC source, “and there is nothing you, or I, nor any well meaning independent investigator can do about it.” It seems that The Group enjoys the fallacy of the people electing an agent of change, when the result is invariably more bad, or worse, news for the citizens of this formerly great nation. “Obama will, of course, usher in more decimation of our Constitutional liberties if elected President,” speculated a DC lawmaker, “because, if he is elected, he is undoubtedly an agent of the organization that secretly runs this nation.”   

Constitution Revision Scandal (1999)

On May 19, 1999 The AoE was the first news source to report that the Executive and Legislative Branches of the U.S. Government conspired to change key passages in the Constitution, paving the way for more abuse of power by the President and members of Congress.

Report by Gil Witherspoon, VT Chapter 

In a move reminiscent of the pigs in Orwell’s Animal Farm, the hogs in Washington have attempted to circumvent the U.S. Constitution by changing the passages that interfered with their desire to cheat and rob the American people. What may be even more insulting than our elected officials tampering with the founding document of this country is the obvious disregard the swine had for attention to detail. Ted Kennedy, in a closed session of the Senate is reported to have said, “Don’t bother spending a lot of time on touching up the Constitution; when is the last time our idiot constituents looked at a newspaper, let alone the Constitution.” Senator Orrin Hatch is purported to have agreed by saying, “We probably don’t even need to change it, whatever we tell those morons the Constitution says, they’ll believe.

The President and Congress had to work together on the project because neither one separately would allow the other to make the changes. One insider disclosed that “the Judiciary didn’t need to make changes, because they already ‘interpret’ the Constitution in whatever fashion they want.”

Congress took the opportunity to give themselves immunity from prosecution.  What previously said “[Legislators] shall in all cases, except treason, felony and breach of the peace ...” has been changed to “[Legislators] ‘without exception for’ felony and breach of the peace.” The passage continues “... be privileged from arrest during their attendance at the session of their respective Houses, and in going to and returning from the same.” Those words were changed to “... be privileged from arrest during their ‘full tenure in’ the ‘service’ of their respective Houses, and ‘for any criminal acts committed during such time.’” Just like the Congress, the President is no longer constrained by, nor subject to any state or federal law.

“I, of course, support the changes made to the Constitution, but was shocked to see the extremely poor quality of the document doctoring,” confided Rep Chris Cannon (R) UT.

New Study Indicates Political Humor No Longer Funny

Report by Jules Iverson, ID Chapter

Researchers at Western Idaho State University (WISU) released the results of a five year study focusing on the effect of government on political humor. The study did not bode well for producers and distributors of satire aimed at government officials. According to WISU researchers, the state of government in the US is so depressing that even joking about the jackasses that head up our government is no longer funny. Project leader, Franchesca Portnoy, stated, “the national debt, the housing problems, crooked politicians, the abandonment of the Constitution, and the loss of individual rights are among the top reasons for the decline in the effectiveness of political satire. WISU analysts are concerned that former consumers of political humor will turn to firearms to vent their frustrations with government.

McCain Whines About Obama

Report by Eric Timmons, NJ Chapter

Republican Presidential Hopeful, Sen. John McCain, threw a hissy fit Thursday in response to Barack Obama’s revelation that he won’t be using public funds to finance his general election campaign. “It’s not fair,” complained McCain, “Obama is more popular and people enthusiastically give money to his campaign. He just snaps his fingers and the checks come pouring in; meanwhile it’s like pulling teeth for me to get 5 dollars out of my wife.”

Since 1976, candidates have opted to use public funds (i.e. tax dollars) to finance their presidential runs, which has leveled the playing field, because each contender has equal funds with which to work. Obama, by opting out of the system, and due to his fundraising prowess, will be virtually unconstrained in his spending. In contrast, McCain, who couldn’t get a bucket of water given to him if his house was on fire, will be forced to live within the spending limits of the system he is forced to utilize. DC pundit, Robert Freisman, commented, “It’s rich that a supposed “conservative” is whining about a so-called “liberal” rejecting government assistance. McCain has singlehandedly shattered the myth that Democrats are the Party of sniveling weenies suckling at the teet of big government. Who is the sniveling weenie now?"  President George W. Bush reportedly responded to the news by asking, "Is it too late to run Huckabee instead?"

McCain Selects Running Mate

Report by Cal Svenson, MD Chapter

In a surprise move, Republican Presidential Nominee John McCain announced this morning that he has selected Hilary Duff to be his Vice President. Duff, perhaps best known as TV’s Lizzie McGuire, comes as a surprise to virtually all DC insiders. Shedding some light on the unusual selection, McCain staffer Tom Reynolds revealed, “Senator McCain wanted to inject a youthful spark into the ticket, and let’s face it, America has a love affair with little Lizzie McGuire.” Another source within the McCain camp disclosed that McCain had inquired whether or not Duff would be willing to run under the name Lizzie McGuire in hopes of dispelling any connection to fallen Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton. In the end, the campaign decided to utilize Duff’s real name and market her as “The Attractive Hilary.”

Due to McCain’s age, there is some concern about the Constitutional age restriction of the President in the event that McCain should not survive his term. Duff, who falls well short of 35 year age requirement to be President of the United States might not be able to assume the Presidency in the event that McCain should pass away. A source close to the Republican Party noted that the Constitution is a “meaningless document” and “caries so little weight in today’s government” that they don’t anticipate a problem.

Elitist Plan to Exclude "Common" Candidates

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Report by Bradford Hanson, SC Chapter

Each citing a Harvard Student’s recent Master’s Thesis, both Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama have vocalized support for a bipartisan plan to beef up the requirements for those seeking to be President of the United States. The plan, which is to be sponsored by Harvard Law alum Sen. Theodore Stevens (R-AK) and Yale alum Sen. Amy Klobuchar (D-MN), seeks to require all presidential candidates to have earned a degree issued by an Ivy League school. Hillary Clinton, in support of the proposed bill, commented, “The current standard of being born in the United States and being at least 35 years old, is simply placing the bar too low. We must increase the requirements to insure that viable candidates have the proper tools, experience, intelligence, and connections to fill the role as Commander in Chief of the most powerful nation on Earth.

Preston Watson III, the Harvard student who authored the paper that inspired the bill, wrote “Even if, hypothetically, a member of the peasant class had the intelligence and sensibilities necessary to lead this nation, only a Ivy League man has the resources to round out a proper Executive Branch.” Citing the George W. Bush administration which has filled the Executive Branch positions with a majority of Ivy Leaguers, Watson contrasts that with a “commoner” who, restrained by his social network, may fill the Executive Branch with “mechanics, waiters, carpenters, or whatever ‘Joe Lunchpail’ type loser may run in a particular commoner’s social circle. Sen. Barack Obama, a Harvard alum, defended the bill saying, “The Ivy League represents the cream of the American crop. Shouldn’t America put its best foot forward?”

Sen. John McCain, the presumptive Republican nominee for the presidency and U.S. Naval Academy graduate, rejected the bill on its face, saying that such a bill may exclude qualified candidates such as himself. McCain conditioned his support for the proposed bill saying, “There must be an exception for those who have, or through marriage have, over 100 million dollars in assets.”