Obama Confuses Former Hotties

Report by Don Hanson, DE Chapter

After a stump speech Friday in Dover, DE, while making idle small talk with a group of “commoners” fawning over the would-be next President of the United States, Barack Obama responded to questions about former Hollywood vixen Heather Locklear (pictured right).  John Marshall, a former Dover area high school football star and current part-time janitor at his former high school, lamenting that “all the political bull[puckey] going on was too depressing to talk about,” said that it was he who initially steered Obama to the topic of Locklear.  “I always thought [Locklear] was hot, and since I have virtually nothing in common with Mr. Obama, I figured we could talk about hot chicks.”

What subsequently seeped from the Democratic Senator’s mouth shocked not only Marshall, but most of the other Obama devotees leaning on Barack’s every word.  “I think that tired old [actress] is tore up.  Yeah, [Locklear] used to be hot back when she was on The Fall Guy,” ranted Obama, “but now she looks more like that ol’ biddy (pictured left) married to John McCain.”  Following the outburst by the Presidential frontrunner, Marshall, shocked and dismayed, shook his head mournfully and muttered “what kind of idiot confuses Heather Locklear with Heather Thomas?”

Washington News In Brief

Scientists Fear Political Eruption Imminent

Report by Walter Hodges, OR Chapter

Government Seismologists cautioned Wednesday that underlying emotions stoked by political schisms are threatening to erupt in many areas of the country.  “The threat is particularly dangerous in so-called ‘battle ground’ states where the public is constantly bombarded with negative campaign ads,” says Dr. Francis Norton of the United States Geological Survey (USGS).  The USGS is suggesting that citizens avoid artificial stimulants such as caffeine and meth-amphetamines, and limiting exposure to political stimuli like political ads and that annoying guy at work with all the bumper stickers who won’t shut up about how only an idiot would vote for so-and-so.

Liberals Call GOP Billboard Racist

Report by Alan Bostwick, MN Chapter

Liberal political action committee (PAC) MoveOn.Org issued a statement on Tuesday demanding that billboards recently erected by the Republican National Committee (RNC) be removed immediately.  The billboards in question point out the difference between the so called “fast lane” and “slow lane”, and bill the ad as a “Public Service Announcement”. 

MoveOn.Org called the ad campaign as racist and demeaning to both Asians and Gays.  “Everyone knows that Asians and Gays are the world’s worst drivers, and this is an obvious attack on those people groups by the hate-mongers on the Right,” says MoveOn founder Joan Blades.  RNC spokesman Bill Daniels responded to the accusations by asking, “What?!”

Nebraska Rejects “Flat” Characterization

Report by Jon Pranteen, NE Chapter

Calling the term “flat” a “repugnant mischaracterization of the beauty hidden within the gentle contours of the Great State of Nebraska,” Governor Dave Heineman, with the backing of the Nebraska State Legislature, announced that the great plains state would no longer answer to, “hey you, the really long, boring, flat state.”  Posing with 2007 Miss Heartland, Rachel Seidel, following the announcement, Governor Heineman joked with reporters saying, “as you can plainly see, Nebraska is anything but flat!”  Heineman’s wife, also pictured, reacted to the comment with a swift elbow to the governor’s ribs.  

After a heated exchange of incoherent mumbles between Heineman and Nebraska’s First Lady, the governor unveiled a replica of new state signs that had earlier in the week been place at either end of the state on Interstate 80.  Heineman closed the evening by inviting the World to “enjoy Nebraska’s subtle,” and winking at Seidel, “and not-so subtle contours!”