McCain Billboard Outrages Liberals

Report by Skip Hartman, NM Chapter

In a move that redefines the term “negative campaign ads,” the McCain camp unveiled new billboard ads that appear to support the killing of liberals in order to help usher the conservative into the White House.  Brett Atkins, a campaign worker for Obama in Santa Fe, reacted to the ad by shooting an elderly couple who passed in front of the campaign office in which he was working.  The elderly couple had been wearing McCain stickers at the time.  After knocking the couple down with one shot to the chest of each of his victims, Atkins stood over the pair and unloaded the 15 round clip of his 9mm Glock 19 directly into the McCain stickers the pair was wearing on their chests.  

Barack Obama was quick to distance himself from Atkins, by saying, “Brett has been suspended from the campaign while he deals with issues that stem from abusive conservative parents.  It is unfortunate that John McCain’s hateful ads were the spark that triggered this unfortunate event.”  Obama then added with a thoughtful grin, “Liberals - 2, Conservatives - 0”

Jason Bateman: Greatest Actor Ever?

Citizen Spotlight Special Report by Thaddeus Stanley, AoE Senior Publications Officer

Since first turning heads as little James Cooper Ingalls alongside Michael Landon on Little House on the Prairie, critics have considered Jason Bateman one of the finest actors of our, or any, generation. With a resume that includes Silver Spoons, The Hogan Family, Chicago Sons, and Arrested Development, Bateman has solidified his place in the hearts of television viewing Americans. Add to that, silver screen turns in such hits as Teen Wolf Too, The Kingdom, and The Ex, and there is no doubt that Bateman is one of the finest actors to ever practice the art. But is he the best of all who have shadowed the stage and screen? What follows is a list of reasons that prove Jason Bateman is, in fact, the greatest actor the World has ever known.

Reason #1: Bateman survives being a child actor

Dana Plato, Tracy Gold, Emmanuel Lewis, Leonardo DiCaprio, Ricky Schroder, Natalie the heavy-set girl from The Facts of Life, and countless other child stars have fallen from the spotlight due to lack of talent or substance abuse. Though beginning his career when he was only 11, Jason Bateman withstood the test of time, carried on the back of raw talent and rugged good looks. Says former child actor Gary Coleman, “If I could kill [Jason] Bateman, and extract even half the talent that he carries in one of his little toes, I could rule Hollywood as a living thespian-god.” 

Reason #2: Other actors want to be him.

While most stars have fans that emulate them, and imitation is supposed to be the most sincere form of flattery, the extent to which some actors have gone to mimic Jason Bateman is beyond psychotic. Take for instance, Michael J. Fox who reportedly had plastic surgery to look more like Bateman, and even took an acting job as the brother of Jason Bateman’s real life sister to understand his idol more completely. The cut-rate Bateman knock-off Fox, referring to Teen Wolf, stated, “Being asked by the producers to step in when Jason [Bateman] was unavailable was the highlight of my career. It was like for a couple months, I got to be Jason ... it was a surreal experience.” 

Reason #3: His sister is/was hot

Justine Bateman, pictured here with the talentless Jason Bateman wannabe hack that portrayed her brother on the sitcom Family Ties, is super hot ... or at least she was. Bateman’s sister reappeared briefly a decade or so ago in a sitcom with SNL’s Rob Schneider and still displayed the hotness she commanded during her Family Ties days, but has virtually disappeared since, so it is hard to know if she’s still hot. 

Reason #4: Range

Jason Bateman has portrayed an orphan, a bully, an older brother, a younger brother, a werewolf, a father, a son, and even, in a coup-de-force of theatrical depth, a man pretending to be a paraplegic. What’s more, when Bateman plays a son, the audience believes he’s a son, when he plays a brother, it’s as if he has been a brother all his life. Famed director Martin Scorsese said this about Jason Bateman, “I have never had an opportunity to work with Jason Bateman.”

Reason #5: Bateman’s work takes center-stage instead of personal life

The Brad Pitt’s and Julia Roberts’ of Hollywood are forced to supplement their acting with juicy insights into their sordid world of substance abuse and debauchery to keep audiences interested. Conversely, Bateman’s filmography is more than enough to satisfy the lusts of Hollywood consumers and keep them coming back for more. Jason doesn’t have to go public with “sex addiction” like Duchovny, or have sex with women, like Linsey Lohan, or get caught with a hooker like Hugh Grant, or make a sex tape like virtually every other washed up pop icon; with Bateman, it isn’t about off-screen sex, its about on-screen magic. The producer of Arrested Development once said of Bateman, “Jason doesn’t need a penis, because he makes love with the camera.”

To learn more about the actor-god Jason Bateman, see any one of a thousand fan sites dedicated to the greatest actor of all time, such as: http://www.jason-bateman.net

Coulter: Creating Wealth, American Style

Report by Jared Pollard, NJ Chapter

Conservative Political Pundit, Ann Coulter, announced today that she will soon be publishing a new book, and related line of clothing.  The book, Creating Wealth, American Style, “combines a history of effective money generating businesses, with specific details that the reader can use to begin their own money generating enterprise,” explained Coulter.  The clothing line, accompanying the release of the book, is designed to celebrate the tradition of successful American business.

“I’ve always believed that History is the best teacher,” commented Coulter, “by combining lessons from the past with information about current technology, the reader will be equipped with a full toolbox with which to build their own successful business.”  Coulter continued by saying, “A reader can learn from the bootleggers’ experience, and will have access to information on, say, making crystal meth in his or her own bathtub.”  

The book includes a concise history of various business models, such as protection rackets, book making, bootlegging, and drug dealing.  Additionally, the reader is given tips on how to effectively threaten and torture, clean up after a hit, buy and sell contraband, and produce high quality drugs with limited resources.  The book, published by McMillian Jensen, will hit bookstores next week.

Constitution Revision Scandal (1999)

On May 19, 1999 The AoE was the first news source to report that the Executive and Legislative Branches of the U.S. Government conspired to change key passages in the Constitution, paving the way for more abuse of power by the President and members of Congress.

Report by Gil Witherspoon, VT Chapter 

In a move reminiscent of the pigs in Orwell’s Animal Farm, the hogs in Washington have attempted to circumvent the U.S. Constitution by changing the passages that interfered with their desire to cheat and rob the American people. What may be even more insulting than our elected officials tampering with the founding document of this country is the obvious disregard the swine had for attention to detail. Ted Kennedy, in a closed session of the Senate is reported to have said, “Don’t bother spending a lot of time on touching up the Constitution; when is the last time our idiot constituents looked at a newspaper, let alone the Constitution.” Senator Orrin Hatch is purported to have agreed by saying, “We probably don’t even need to change it, whatever we tell those morons the Constitution says, they’ll believe.

The President and Congress had to work together on the project because neither one separately would allow the other to make the changes. One insider disclosed that “the Judiciary didn’t need to make changes, because they already ‘interpret’ the Constitution in whatever fashion they want.”

Congress took the opportunity to give themselves immunity from prosecution.  What previously said “[Legislators] shall in all cases, except treason, felony and breach of the peace ...” has been changed to “[Legislators] ‘without exception for’ felony and breach of the peace.” The passage continues “... be privileged from arrest during their attendance at the session of their respective Houses, and in going to and returning from the same.” Those words were changed to “... be privileged from arrest during their ‘full tenure in’ the ‘service’ of their respective Houses, and ‘for any criminal acts committed during such time.’” Just like the Congress, the President is no longer constrained by, nor subject to any state or federal law.

“I, of course, support the changes made to the Constitution, but was shocked to see the extremely poor quality of the document doctoring,” confided Rep Chris Cannon (R) UT.

A Choice Between Republicrats and Demoblicans

Special OpEd by AoE Founding Member Dixie Larkin

Today is the crucial day for many political hopefuls, it’s sink or swim day ... the day that decides who gets their name upon the November ballot.  The Presidential candidates are already decided, but for those offices that we have all but forgotten exist, this very day, we can cast our voice via vote to select the best crooks of the bunch. 

This evening, with bated breath, our State Assembly/Senate/Congress hopefuls will be pacing the floor, awaiting the returns to see if they will progress in their quest to join the elite group of crooked swine who “lawfully” extort money from the good citizens of our states and nation.

Permit me to take an opportunity on this auspicious day to pose a question.  Why do we - and by “we” I mean “We the People,” the ordinary folk who punch the time clock, raise families, pay bills, drive minivans, etc. - feel the need to elect people who don’t understand our lives?  George W. Bush has never wondered where the next meal is coming from.  Al Gore, despite his environmental babble, pays more for his power bill, than many of us earn in a month.  Has Barack Obama ever cleaned a toilet, or dug a ditch, or changed the oil in a car in his adult life?  How many homes does John McCain and his wife own?  How are the people that we choose to represent us, similar to us?  And if they do not know what our lives are like, how can they truly represent us?

Year in and year out, we elect the wealthy elite (American Royalty) to make decisions concerning our hard earned money.  These are people who have never gone without, and can not conceive of life without the frills and spoils wealth brings.  State and Federal prisoners get air conditioning and cable TV because it would be “inhumane” for them to go without these necessities.  Meanwhile many law abiding Americans must suffer these “inhumane” conditions because they haven’t the money to afford it.  What is wrong with a country that treats its prisoners better than the working poor?

Don’t take this to mean that I begrudge the wealthy, I don’t.  The rich have every right to be rich.  Further, I’m not advocating for Republicans or Democrats, because I believe the party leaders of both to be completely out of touch with the lives and needs of Americans.  All that I am asking is why we continue to elect people who are out of touch with us.  Arrogance is not a virtue, and wealth is not a requirement for political office.  If we want representation, we should choose leaders who have the ability and understanding to represent us, else the dream our Constitution represents will become just another antiquated idea lost beneath the dust of time.

Cheney Announces He is the Anti-Christ

Report by Sven Rassmunson, CA Chapter

Dick Cheney publicly announced at a press conference today that he will “very soon rule the World.”  Cheney, rarely seen without make-up covering the pentagram, or “sign of the beast” on his forehead, stepped up to the podium at the press conference, proudly displaying his satanic tattoo.  “Let me be clear,” Cheney began, “I will not be a gracious President, I mean to command the entire world like Elliot Spitzer commands his whores, and I will beat her like a red-headed step-child until she submits to my every directive.  I am the Anti-Christ!” boomed Cheney as he repeatedly struck the wooden stand.

Many Americans, though having secretly thought for some time that Cheney might be the Anti-Christ were saddened by the news; many more were caught completely off-guard.  Even in liberal circles, the news came as a shock to some.  Antwon Devine, a social worker and gay rights activist said, “I thought he couldn’t be all bad, after all, he’s got that log-cabin lesbian daughter,”  Antwon wiped away a tear and finished with a sigh, “... you just never know.”

Despite the evidence to the contrary, some skeptical DC pundits doubt the authenticity of Cheney’s claim.  “What if he’s just gone power-mad?  For heaven’s sake, he’s defrauded the American people, embezzled billions, maybe trillions, of dollars for himself and his cronies, the blood of thousands of Americans is on his hands, and he actually shot a man ... and nobody does anything to deter him.  He must feel like a god that can’t be stopped.  Wait, I think I just made the case for him being the Anti-Christ ....” 

Following the controversial remarks, there are those who fear Cheney, those who dismiss Cheney, and even those who have begun to worship the Vice President.  Vic Burrows, Vice Chancellor of The National Satanic Communion (NSC), told the press that NSC would officially “begin worshipping the man-god Cheney on April 30th.”  April 30th is Walpurgis, one of the most important dates on the Satanic calendar, a night of blood rituals and human sacrifice.  Burrows, went on to say, “because of the momentousness of this occasion, [the NSC is] trying to book Miley Cyrus to perform, and then be sacrificed.  It will be the biggest Walpurgis blowout ever!” 

Jackson Celebrates 50th with Children

Report by Bill Theide, GA Chapter

The King of Pop, Michael Jackson, Celebrated his 50th birthday over the weekend at a Southern California McDonalds Playplace.  Jackson reportedly rented out the entire restaurant and gave local children $10,000 each to attend.  The children, who were almost entirely young boys, were hand selected by Jackson and even allowed to spend some “special alone time” with the pop star behind the ball pit.  

Longtime friends of Jackson, Elizabeth Taylor and Liza Minnelli were in attendance along with Idaho Senator Larry Craig and Snack Cake icon, Twinkie the Kid.  Said Taylor, “It was so kitsch eating Happy Meals with the little kids, but great seeing Michael rolling around with the boys, squealing, grabbing, and having fun ... I haven’t seen Michael that happy since his time with Webster.