Order of the Epiphenomenon Accepting New Members

Announcement by Dixie Larkin, AoE Founding Member

Attention Cadets!

The Order of the Epiphenomenon (OOTE), the exclusive secret society of the Army of Epiphenomenon, is opening its private doors to 250 new recruits this year to celebrate 10 years since the inception of the OOTE.  This is an excellent opportunity for AoE members to ante up and join the select few who have dedicated their lives to upholding freedom and liberty by exposing and otherwise fighting the tyranny wrought by the evil Progressive/Neocons who hold this country in their dastardly clutches.

For just $250.00 (US), AoE members can apply for membership to the OOTE.  Successful applicants will receive this handsome patch (right) to adorn their favorite article of clothing, a complimentary one year subscription to the Official Semi-Sporadic AoE Newsletter which includes articles and commentary not available via the Official AoE Website, and dinner for two at the Order of the Epiphenomenon 10 year Gala, to be held in October at an undisclosed location.  All of this, plus myriad OOTE benefits that cannot be revealed here, because, after all, it is a secret society.

Those wishing to apply to the Order of the Epiphenomenon should use the email icon (top left) and put “OOTE Recruitment” in the subject line.  Each email should include:

Your name and contact information

How long you’ve been a member of the AoE and to which Chapter you belong

A brief essay (approx. 10,000 words) about why you should be admitted into the OOTE

Upon receipt of such an email, directions for submitting payment will be sent to you via return email, so please use an email address that you check often.  If you would rather receive correspondence via the USPS please indicate that in the email.

Constitution Revision Scandal (1999)

On May 19, 1999 The AoE was the first news source to report that the Executive and Legislative Branches of the U.S. Government conspired to change key passages in the Constitution, paving the way for more abuse of power by the President and members of Congress.

Report by Gil Witherspoon, VT Chapter 

In a move reminiscent of the pigs in Orwell’s Animal Farm, the hogs in Washington have attempted to circumvent the U.S. Constitution by changing the passages that interfered with their desire to cheat and rob the American people. What may be even more insulting than our elected officials tampering with the founding document of this country is the obvious disregard the swine had for attention to detail. Ted Kennedy, in a closed session of the Senate is reported to have said, “Don’t bother spending a lot of time on touching up the Constitution; when is the last time our idiot constituents looked at a newspaper, let alone the Constitution.” Senator Orrin Hatch is purported to have agreed by saying, “We probably don’t even need to change it, whatever we tell those morons the Constitution says, they’ll believe.

The President and Congress had to work together on the project because neither one separately would allow the other to make the changes. One insider disclosed that “the Judiciary didn’t need to make changes, because they already ‘interpret’ the Constitution in whatever fashion they want.”

Congress took the opportunity to give themselves immunity from prosecution.  What previously said “[Legislators] shall in all cases, except treason, felony and breach of the peace ...” has been changed to “[Legislators] ‘without exception for’ felony and breach of the peace.” The passage continues “... be privileged from arrest during their attendance at the session of their respective Houses, and in going to and returning from the same.” Those words were changed to “... be privileged from arrest during their ‘full tenure in’ the ‘service’ of their respective Houses, and ‘for any criminal acts committed during such time.’” Just like the Congress, the President is no longer constrained by, nor subject to any state or federal law.

“I, of course, support the changes made to the Constitution, but was shocked to see the extremely poor quality of the document doctoring,” confided Rep Chris Cannon (R) UT.

Clinton to Madison: take that Constitution and shove it! (5/14/98)

AoE Newsletter Issue # 86: President Clinton gave chief architect of the United States Constitution James Madison, a postmortem slap in the face, adding, “You know where you can stick that parchment bitch!” 

Report by Dan Janson, VA chapter. (May 1998)

Clinton’s attack on Madison came as a shock to many in Washington. “We’ve all trampled the Constitution, which is no big deal because it was written like 200 years ago, back when there wasn’t even microwaves, but to dig up the former president just to smite him was probably going to far,” commented one legislator. The long deceased Founding Father responded to the attack by immediately turning to dust as the shock of the attack on his weathered and deteriorated bones was simply too much for his weakened skeletal structure to handle.

The assault came just one hour after Clinton signed an Executive Order making state and local governments subservient to federal regulators. This is just the latest in a series of attacks on state sovereignty, the Constitution, and the rights of the American people. Clinton defended the Order and the attack on Madison’s corpse by saying, “I am just so sick of looking at that picture of Madison in the White House, he drove me to this point by continually staring at me disapprovingly from inside his frame, as if to say ‘that’s not what Constitution says.’ Screw Madison and screw his stupid Constitution; It’s my country now and I’ll do as I please!”

Lenin back from dead to thank DC lawmakers (12/10/90)

Report in AoE Newsletter by Founding Member Frank Stahlie (Dec. 1990)

After nearly sixty-seven years of torture in the lake of fire, Vladimir Ilyich Lenin, the chief architect of Soviet Communism, arose from the dead to meet with US Lawmakers yesterday. “My Comrades, though you probably don’t realize it, you capitalists have given this tortured spirit the greatest gift a dead tyrant could ever hope to receive!”

Though many of the lawmakers were taken aback to see the risen corpse of Lenin, many agreed that he was in remarkable shape given the rigors of burning in hell for two-thirds of a century. Sen. Hatch (UT) noted, “He looks great for being being dead so long; it must be a humid heat in Outer Darkness because his skin seems healthy and rejuvenated.”

Lenin met with key legislators from both sides of the aisle, and executive branch officials, behind closed doors for over four hours yesterday afternoon before joining President Bush at the White House for dinner. While the full extent of Lenin’s comments to government officials is not clear, an undisclosed source revealed that Lenin praised the growth in the US federal government and the back room dealmaking that has lead to one of the most totalitarian governments the world has ever seen. Lenin was quoted as saying “the extent to which the Neo-Cons and the so-called liberals have worked together do decimate the freedoms of the American people is a testament to what good government can accomplish.” Apparently, the actions of the US government have not gone unnoticed in Hell, which has greatly reduced the scrutiny formerly given to such tyranical luminaries as Hitler, Mao, and Lenin himself, by the Dark Prince. “Given the fine, albeit evil, work that you are accomplishing up here, former government officials down there are steadily being seen in a better light.” Apparently, that reduced scrutiny has lead to shorter periods of excruciating torment each day, and fewer of “those brain worm things” as Lenin described them.

Cohen Back From Nudist Colony (10/20/98)

AoE Newsletter Issue #92 (Dec. 1998) reported that after disappearing for just over a week, Secretary of Defense Cohen returned, a bit embarrassed, to Washington DC from a clothing-optional compound in Michigan’s Upper Peninsula. 

Report by John Weinstein, FL Chapter

William Sebastian Cohen, the Republican Secretary of Defense serving under President Clinton since 1997 , departed from his Arlington, VA home ten days ago, leaving only a note. Addressed only to “My beloved wife, Janet Langhart, and Mr. President,” the note described Cohen’s intention to leave mainstream political life in favor of the secluded life of a commune in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. The note stated that Cohen wanted to get closer to God and felt that he would be most able to accomplish that in the “U.P.” because of its “long association with the phrase ‘God’s Country.’”

Cohen, who had been wrestling with a slight cold in the days prior to his disappearance, attributed the episode to an overindulgence of over-the-counter cold medicine. In a statement released to the press, Cohen said, “It turns out I just took too much Robitussin. For the record, I don’t want to live in the Upper Peninsula, nor have interest in referring to it as the ‘U.P.’” 

What Cohen thought was a commune turned out to be a nudist colony. In addition to it not being a spiritually oriented commune,” the statement revealed, “the cold temperatures made [Cohen] self-conscious about strutting around naked.”

Cohen’s statement went on to say that when the cold symptoms subsided and he stopped taking Robitussin, he realized the folly of his actions, stating, “I guess they say not to exceed six doses in a 24 hour period for a reason.”

Stephanopoulis Under Control of Satan (1998)

The AoE has been engaging in hard-hitting political journalism since 1989. Check out past issues like this at the bottom of the page: July 4, 1998 AoE Newsletter Article exposed how former senior advisor’s career may have been advanced by a pact with the Devil. 

Stephanopoulis Under Control of Satan

Report by Renee Higginbottom, OR Chapter

Recent reports indicate that George Stephanopoulis, former senior advisor to Clinton and current commentator for ABC News, is in league with the Prince of Darkness. Speculation about Stephanopoulis’ relationship with the Father of Lies has existed for several years. Though his obvious lack of talent alone wouldn’t preclude a successful political career, when combined with his displeasing physical appearance, lack of charisma, and persistent body odor make any other explanation for his success impossible.

George’s satanic pact had been mere rumor for several years, but in recent months, evidence has surfaced that substantiates the claim. In March, an unnamed White House source reported that Stephanopoulis and Satan held a joint meeting with Clinton and the First Lady. In April, an ABC staffer overheard George and the Devil arguing over what sounded like the eternal condition of George’s soul. Further, in June, George was caught making what appeared to be a blood sacrifice to to his Lord, Lucifer.

Special 2nd Amendment Issue of the AoE Newsletter!

Attention Cadets!

The new issue of the Official Semi-Sporadic Newsletter of The Army of Epiphenomenon is in the mail now!  Inside you will find:

Scalia Swats Back the Hand of Tryanny!

Report by Edward LaBrosse, DC Chapter

United States Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia issued the majority opinion in the DC v. Heller case today, salvaging for now, our Second Amendment right to bear arms.  The opinion which can be read in its entirety at Findlaw ...

NC Bucks License Plate Trend

Report by Jennifer Jenkins, NC Chapter

In a contraversial move, North Carolina abandoned the practice of avoiding potentially offensive license plate letter combinations in order to comment on the current state of affairs in Washington DC ...

New AoE Newsletter out Today

Attention Cadets!

The latest issue of the Official Semi-Sporadic Newsletter of the Army of Epiphenomenon is in the mail today.  If you would like to begin home delivery of the Newsletter, please contact your Chapter Commander today!

Attention Cadets!

If you haven't been getting home delivery of the AoE Newsletter, here's some of exclusive stories you've been missing:

Bush Shoulder Devil Silences Shoulder Angel for Good

Report by Andrew Sabias, VT Chapter

Pelosi Meth Scandal Exposed

Report by Jackson Rice, CA Chapter

Rice Implicates Bush in Sexual Harassment Suit

Report by Janet Paulson, NY Chapter

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