Obama and Clinton Mix Business, Pleasure

Report by John Parish, VT Chapter

Presidential hopeful Sen. Barack Obama was discovered yesterday sharing a remote Vermont cabin with former rival Sen. Hilary Clinton. Though Obama insisted that the “meeting” was purely professional, pictures taken by a local resident indicate otherwise. “Senator Clinton and I spent the afternoon and evening engaged in a study of the firing of missiles, nothing more,” defended Obama. Clinton, who was on hand, quickly interjected, “Iran’s missiles, we were exploring Iran’s missile capabilities, just Iran’s missiles, no other missiles were explored.”

While unclear why Sen. Obama felt it necessary to take a private meeting with the former First Lady in a remote cabin in Vermont to discuss Iran’s military strength, Obama came away from the meeting with a tough new stance against Iran. "Iran is a great threat. We have to make sure we are working with our allies to apply tightened pressure on Iran,” commented the Democratic nominee. Speculation swirled that during the rendezvous, Clinton’s ability to about-face on the issue of military force in the Middle East must have rubbed off on Obama, following his statement that, “The U.S. must address Iran’s recent missile testing as a direct threat against our nation’s security and take whatever steps are necessary to alleviate that threat.”

Twinkie the Kid on Larry King Live

Report by Alex Montgomery, NY Chapter

Snack cake lobbyist and long-time DC insider, Twinkie the Kid, appeared on Larry King Live Friday night to discuss growing concerns over sexual and fiscal transgressions committed by our nation’s lawmakers. Twinkie, who’s name has repeatedly splashed across headlines in recent months for his own romantic relationships with members of Congress shed much light on the carefree orgy that has enveloped Capital Hill.

Asked by King whether the sexual abandon that characterizes Washington is a recent phenomenon, Twinkie responded, “Washington, since at least the time of Kennedy has been experiencing a sort of sexual renaissance.” It’s funny that many people use the phrase ‘so-and-so politician is in bed with this-or-that corporation’ not knowing that it is generally true literally as well as figuratively.”

King went on to explore the nature of how budgeting decisions are made. Twinkie suggested that one need only “follow the money” to understand the process. “It is often difficult to follow though, and purposely so. What generally happens is that ABC corporation will give money to XYZ’s campaign or promise a future position on the Board of the ABC with generous stock options, in return XYZ will vote to give a lucrative contract to ABC. Take Hillary for example, Wal-Mart gave her a seat on it’s Board, she had no real responsibility, in fact I’d be surprised if she ever attended a meeting, but she was paid handsomely. In return Hillary promised future votes to keep minimum wages low and carve out exceptions that Wal-Mart has successfully used to pay its employees next to nothing."

Obama Calls for Donations to Hillary

Report by John Parker, AK Chapter

Hillary Clinton overspent revenues by $22 million during her recent White House run. “This just proves what a great President Hillary Clinton would have been,” defended former opponent Barack Obama, “She overspent by millions of dollars on something that a majority of Americans adamantly didn’t want.” Obama has gallantly taken up the charge to encourage donors to give generously to Hillary’s debt. “The Clinton’s can’t possibly be expected to bear this burden alone; this debt is nearly as much as Hillary’s annual dividend check from her Wal-mart stock, and roughly the same as the annual rent due for Bill’s New York office,” explained Obama.

Some Democrats have questioned the wisdom of donating millions of dollars to the uber-wealthy Clinton’s, rather than the millions of Americans who face much more dire financial circumstances. John Hammond, a Iowan with a small family farm, lost his home, nearly half of his heard, and virtually all of his crops in the recent midwest flooding, wondered, “I’ve got five dollars to feed my wife and three children for the foreseeable future, we’re living in a tent without electricity or running water, and I’m better off than any of my neighbors. Why is that dumb bastard telling people to send help to the Clinton’s?”