DNC Announces New Fundraiser

Report by Harold Wand, NE Chapter

The Democratic National Committee, in the face of economic hardships that have been hampering donation revenues, today unveiled a new strategy to raise money. For the first time, the DNC will be selling coupon books filled with various discounts on such things as Congresspersons’ votes and entrance to closed sessions of Congress. The DNC Congressional Coupon Book, which will be sold for $25,000, is aimed at ultra-rich liberals, corporations, and PACs.

 “Coupon books like this have been used for years by small organizations with great success,” stated Howard Dean, DNC President, continuing excitedly, “We’re simply taking this familiar concept to a whole new level!”

Detractors of the fundraising scheme have questioned the ethics of promoting the sale of votes and access to closed sessions of congressional committee meetings. “The DNC is basically saying that if you have enough money, their lawmakers are for sale. What happened to Democrats looking out for the little guy?” questioned Ohio Teamster Alan Petrovski. Dean addressed such sentiments by calling politics a “catch 22 situation” and saying, “we can’t help the lower and middle classes without money from the rich, and we can’t get money from the rich without selling out the lower and middle classes.”

Hillary Adopts Bill’s Half-Hearted “Thumbs Up”

Report by Shepard Davis, RI Chapter

In an effort to revive a failing campaign, Democratic contender Hillary Clinton unveiled her latest attempt to secure the party’s nomination. Over the weekend, Hillary began using the half-hearted “thumbs up” gesture made famous by her husband Bill. The gesture, which mimics the traditional “thumbs up,” whereby the thumb is fully extended upward, is in contrast only at about a 45 degree angle or less from the curled in pointer finger. Non-verbal communications expert Dr. Karen Legosy explained that, “the Clinton thumb gesture appears to convey a feeling of sincerity to many people, it is not as aggressive or threatening as fully upward extended thumb.” One unidentified Clinton aide revealed that, “Clinton believes that the fully extended thumb reminds people of detestable hitchhikers, and she doesn’t wish to be likened to some poor trash that can’t afford a decent luxury automobile.

Only time will tell if the Bill Clinton inspired gesture will give Hillary the extra kick that her campaign desperately needs.  One thing is certain, now that Howard Dean, Chairman of the Democratic National Party, is putting increased pressure on superdelegates to make a decision about which candidate to back, the change could not come at a more apropos time.