Lawmakers to Stop Tickling Children

Report by Hans Dingler, NH Chapter

The House Committee on Standards of Official Conduct has issued a detailed list of inappropriate behaviors for Congressmen, saying they should not kiss, tickle or wrestle children. The newest version of the Committee’s Decree on Child Protection also prohibits bear hugs, lap-sitting and piggyback rides. But it says House members may still shake children's hands, pat them on the back and give high-fives.  

Victim advocates who have criticized Congress for its handling of abuse cases in the past say they support the new measures as a step toward better protection of children.  The Senate has plans to follow suit with similar guidelines, but is expected to await a formal recommendation from child sex expert Senator Larry Craig (R-ID).

House Un-American Activities Committee (HUAC)

The House Un-America Activities wishes to remind bloggers that "Free Speech" is free only in the sense that it is not taxed by the Federal Government.  Any speech that is deemed to degrade, or impugn the deity of Federal Lawmakers will no longer be tolerated.  Violators will be treated as "enemy combatants" and detained at an off-shore military detention facility.

Study Shows Congress Doesn’t Know it Sucks

Report by Paul Willis, MI Chapter

A recent study released by Southern Michigan State University revealed the total lack of self-awareness that characterizes U.S. Senators and Representatives. According to the research, fewer than 5% of sitting Congressmen are aware that nobody likes them. During the course of the study, Sen. Bob Bennett (R-UT) responded to questions about Congressional approval rating being as low as 13% by deludedly responding, “I think that refers to Democrats, I’m pretty sure that Americans love Republicans.” Sen. Barbara Boxer (D-CA) replied to the same query, “Who the Hell cares? Those idiots keep electing us.” The SMSU researchers plan a follow up study to determine just exactly why Americans keep electing dumb-asses to lead this country.

Congress to Vote on Regulation of Toilet Usage

Report by Mitchell Fairbanks, KS Chapter

Rep. Pete Stark (D-CA) announced plans to introduce legislation to the House on Monday that will “end the thoughtless and dangerous misuse and waste of our nation’s toilet paper supplies.” The proposed bill seeks to monitor individuals’ lavatory usage and dole out appropriate lengths of bathroom tissue. Stark indicated, in a press release, that Transnational Securities Inc. stands ready to begin mass production of its WasteWatch 2000 Home Bathroom Tissue Monitor/Dispenser upon passage of the bill.

Gene Spendlove, longtime friend of Pete Stark and a generous contributor to Stark’s recent campaigns, is the President and CEO of Transnational. Spendlove described the ease of use with which one can use the 

WasteWatch 2000, saying, “First the user presses his or her finger against the print reader and selects “1” or “2” depending on the impending function. After that, the user keys in the corresponding nine digit social security number. Following a quick cross reference of the fingerprint and SSN in a national database, assuming there is a match, the toilet seat unlocks and an appropriate number of tissue squares is released. Selecting “1” will release 2 squares, while choosing “2” will release 4 squares.” Spendlove continued his explanation thusly, “Once the job is complete, the user scans his or her fingerprint again, then selects the brown button to flush, or the yellow button to forgo the flush, at which time the toilet seat cover closes and locks.”

The WasteWatch 2000, in accordance with the bill, will allow each user 20 toilet paper squares and three flushes each day. Additionally, because every toilet in the United States would be required to be wired into a national database, a user could not cheat the system by using the neighbor’s bathroom, or a stall at the mall, and would even continue monitoring citizens’ restroom habits despite their travels. Stark extolled the virtues of his bill by claiming that “America would reduce usage by about 70 percent, or roughly 20 billion rolls of toilet paper.” Further, Stark commented that, “because of the devastating impact that used toilet paper and human fecal matter has on our nation, any failure to comply would be deemed a violation of the Patriot Act on an ‘environmental terrorism’ theory.”

New Bill Forgives Past Illegal Wiretapping

Report by Martha Coleman, CT Chapter

A consortium of telecommunication giants breathed a deep sigh of relief Friday as the House passed a bill that effectively forgave them of abusing the Constitutional Rights of U.S. citizens. “It seems as though all the ‘campaign contributions’ paid off,” exclaimed a spokesperson for the group, adding a sly wink. The bill, which was dubbed “an overhaul of the wiretapping laws” not only purports to legalized the use of warrantless wiretaps, a Constitutional violation according to the U.S. Supreme Court, but retroactively forgives past violations of Constitutional rights by the Bush Administration and participating telecommunication companies.

The bill, which was provided to Congress less than 24 hours before the vote, was hurried through the House in total disregard of the standard seven day waiting period that provides an opportunity for Congresspersons to read the legislation. George W. Bush addressed Congress Friday prior to the vote, saying the plan “will help our intelligence professionals learn our enemies' plans for new attacks, and help us keep tabs on ‘subversives,’” adding air quotes and a mischievous grin to his last word as if it was an inside joke. Rep. Pete Hoekstra (R-MI) addressed the speed at which the bill moved through the House by asking rhetorically, “Who the hell reads bills anyway?” “We have ‘special consultants’ to do the reading for us,” added Hoekstra, referring to corporate lobbyists.

DNC Announces New Fundraiser

Report by Harold Wand, NE Chapter

The Democratic National Committee, in the face of economic hardships that have been hampering donation revenues, today unveiled a new strategy to raise money. For the first time, the DNC will be selling coupon books filled with various discounts on such things as Congresspersons’ votes and entrance to closed sessions of Congress. The DNC Congressional Coupon Book, which will be sold for $25,000, is aimed at ultra-rich liberals, corporations, and PACs.

 “Coupon books like this have been used for years by small organizations with great success,” stated Howard Dean, DNC President, continuing excitedly, “We’re simply taking this familiar concept to a whole new level!”

Detractors of the fundraising scheme have questioned the ethics of promoting the sale of votes and access to closed sessions of congressional committee meetings. “The DNC is basically saying that if you have enough money, their lawmakers are for sale. What happened to Democrats looking out for the little guy?” questioned Ohio Teamster Alan Petrovski. Dean addressed such sentiments by calling politics a “catch 22 situation” and saying, “we can’t help the lower and middle classes without money from the rich, and we can’t get money from the rich without selling out the lower and middle classes.”