Army of Epiphenomenon

Uncle Sam Really Let Himself Go

OpEd by Edward Johnson, OR Chapter

Former fit and trim defender of liberty is now a lethargic and gluttonous slob. Unfortunately, time has not been kind to Uncle Sam, who has grown from 175 pounds to nearly 400 pounds in only about 100 years. Many speculate that the waistline growth of “Mr Government” is a direct result of the easy access to processed pork products and fast food. I spoke with Uncle Sam recently and over the course of the conversation he ate an entire bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken. “That was indeed finger-lickin’ good,” remarked Uncle Sam as he searched his fat rolls for any hidden morsels flavored with the Colonel’s secret blend of eleven herbs and spices.

I’m a busy man, and I don’t have time to cook. I have increasingly been doing more and more for the American people over the years,” justified Uncle Sam, “I used to handle basically only foreign affairs and interstate commerce; now I plan for the retirements of about 300 million people - hello, time consuming - and dabble in health care, oversee public and corporate welfare, and am continually leaning on the States to adopt regulations that I believe will make the U.S. a better and safer place. There is simply no time to hit the gym.”

It is true that the American people have grown increasingly dependent on Uncle Sam over the years. Related to that phenomenon, we have given up more and more of our hard earned money to our beacon of freedom in order that we don’t have to take care of ourselves. This influx of cash, has given Uncle Sam the means to eat out five to six times a day. At this rate, our good uncle will continue to grow ever larger, exacerbating his morbidly obese condition. Some dietary experts believe that Uncle Sam could reach 1000 pounds by the year 2075. There is also concern about the health risks associated with the grossly overweight condition of our favorite uncle. Brian Jenkins, of Weight Watch, contemplated Uncle Sam’s fate, “With every Big Mac, this American icon is shaving precious days from his life.”

There is certainly cause for concern, and without immediate action there will undoubtedly be dire consequences. “Everyday he reminds me more of “Fat Bastard,” remarked Sen. Larry Craig, likening Uncle Sam to one of the evil characters in the Austin Powers films, “I have images of him grabbing civilians and yelling ‘get in ma belly’” . “However, his over-indulgence in fried potatoes has done wonderful things for Idaho’s economy,” continued Craig, commenting, “and like myself, Uncle Sam agrees that tator tots are far and away the superior processed potato product.” Though Idaho has cause for celebration in the short run, all Americans should be wary of the long-term consequences of Uncle Sam’s unprecedented growth. If Uncle Sam keels over from a massive heart attack, the last, greatest bastion of our liberty will be gone.