FDA Approves Crystal Meth as Appetite Suppressant

Report by David L. Benson, AR Chapter

In a move lead by the tireless efforts of House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, the Food and Drug Administration today approved the use of Crystal Methamphetamine as a weapon in the battle against the American bulge.  Pelosi, pictured here with Interim FDA Commissioner Dr. Joshua M. Sharfstein, revealed her own use of the drug as a diet aid and proudly displayed the results to a group of spectators after the FDA hearing that approved Meth use.  FDA regulated products account for about 25 cents of every consumer dollar spent, however Sharfstein expects that with so many young adults eager to utilize the miracle diet attributes of Crystal Meth, this number will soon jump to 30 cents.

“America is at war,” declared Sharfstein at the hearing, “at war against fat.  Do we not use missiles in Afghanistan even though a few innocent children might die?  Why should we not then use every weapon at our disposal against a greater threat here on our own soil!”  Pelosi, who was reportedly instrumental in swaying the FDA committee towards approval, will be promoting the use of Meth on behalf of Pfizer for an undisclosed amount to be donated to Pelosi’s campaign fund.  Pfizer’s Crystal Meth product, which is to be called Crystazon, will be packaged in liquid form and can be injected orally in the gums or between toes.