Army of Epiphenomenon

Leno To Head Propaganda Machine

Report by Jennifer Halsted, CO Chapter

Earlier this week, the puppet-master organization that secretly runs the United States and recently adopted the moniker of “Group X”, announced that it chose late night talk show personality Jay Leno for it’s Director of Public Relations. Leno, who succeeded Johnny Carson as host of The Tonight Show, will be turning over the late night reigns to Conan O’Brien next year so that he can devote his full attention to the new post. Leno responded to the announcement by saying, “Now I will be able to do the greatest good for the greatest of people, the extraordinarily rich.” There is speculation that Leno pursued the public relations post because the lucrative salary, which is rumored to be over ten times that which he collects from NBC, will allow him to expand his famed car collection at a much faster rate. Leno denied the accusations by saying, I’m doing this, not for myself, but for the elect few with enough money to make this country the greatest place on Earth.”

Joel Osteen, megachurch preacher and best selling author, was also vying for the job. In as statement to the press following the announcement, Osteen said, “I believe now, as I believed when I first sought the job, that my best life now is selling people on the benefits of keeping power with those who know how to use it. Let me ask you this, if we gave all the power in this country to a small group of street bums, what would happen? I’ll tell you what would happen, more free hand-outs for the poor, including booze and cigarettes; and who would pay for it? The very people I should be protecting.” At that point Osteen got uncharacteristically negative, continuing, “But they picked that dumb-ass Leno. Anyone can tell a couple jokes, but how many people can make hundreds of thousands of Americans believe in the power of giving me money?”

Leno will begin his work for Group X in July, working part-time for the first year, concentrating primarily on organizing the newly established public relations department. Formerly, Group X farmed out the work by applying subtle pressure to other organizations and major media outlets. The group recently decided that they could exert more control over the messages getting to the public by taking a more proactive approach to controlling the dissemination of information to the citizenry. With a popular spokesperson like Leno cranking up the Illuminati propaganda machine, organizations like the Army of Epiphenomenon will be forced to redouble their efforts to make the truth available to public.