Congress to Vote on Regulation of Toilet Usage

Report by Mitchell Fairbanks, KS Chapter

Rep. Pete Stark (D-CA) announced plans to introduce legislation to the House on Monday that will “end the thoughtless and dangerous misuse and waste of our nation’s toilet paper supplies.” The proposed bill seeks to monitor individuals’ lavatory usage and dole out appropriate lengths of bathroom tissue. Stark indicated, in a press release, that Transnational Securities Inc. stands ready to begin mass production of its WasteWatch 2000 Home Bathroom Tissue Monitor/Dispenser upon passage of the bill.

Gene Spendlove, longtime friend of Pete Stark and a generous contributor to Stark’s recent campaigns, is the President and CEO of Transnational. Spendlove described the ease of use with which one can use the 

WasteWatch 2000, saying, “First the user presses his or her finger against the print reader and selects “1” or “2” depending on the impending function. After that, the user keys in the corresponding nine digit social security number. Following a quick cross reference of the fingerprint and SSN in a national database, assuming there is a match, the toilet seat unlocks and an appropriate number of tissue squares is released. Selecting “1” will release 2 squares, while choosing “2” will release 4 squares.” Spendlove continued his explanation thusly, “Once the job is complete, the user scans his or her fingerprint again, then selects the brown button to flush, or the yellow button to forgo the flush, at which time the toilet seat cover closes and locks.”

The WasteWatch 2000, in accordance with the bill, will allow each user 20 toilet paper squares and three flushes each day. Additionally, because every toilet in the United States would be required to be wired into a national database, a user could not cheat the system by using the neighbor’s bathroom, or a stall at the mall, and would even continue monitoring citizens’ restroom habits despite their travels. Stark extolled the virtues of his bill by claiming that “America would reduce usage by about 70 percent, or roughly 20 billion rolls of toilet paper.” Further, Stark commented that, “because of the devastating impact that used toilet paper and human fecal matter has on our nation, any failure to comply would be deemed a violation of the Patriot Act on an ‘environmental terrorism’ theory.”