Obama, McCain Meet with Satan

Report by Helen Foremaster, OH Chapter

Following a heated week on the campaign trail, both Barack Obama and John McCain spent the afternoon Saturday in a closed door meeting with Lucifer. The trio met in the atrium of the Hart Senate office building, with both candidates genuflecting at the knees of the Lord of Darkness as is the custom among politicians. Shortly thereafter, the three sequestered themselves for nearly four hours.

It has been the practice of Satan to meet with Presidential candidates dating back to the candidacy of William Howard Taft. Although there was no formal announcement detailing the subject(s) of the discussion, it is rumored that the purpose of such meetings is to allow the Dark Prince to evaluate the candidates first hand. In this case, the Evil One must have been pleased with both, announcing at an abbreviated press conference following the confab that, “either of these fine men would make an excellent President.”

Clinton Turns Attention to Fashion

Report by Allison Fairbanks, NY Chapter

Following a disappointing primary season for Hillary Clinton, the former candidate announced today that she would be turning her attention away from politics for a while, and toward her little-known passion for fashion. Clinton, who has long held a fondness for the “comfort and simple elegance of polyester” announced yesterday that she would be launching her own line of clothing with a focus on her favorite fabric. Revealing the handle for her new line, White Trash Fashion, Hillary exclaimed, “We are going to do things with polyester that have here-to-now been unimagined.”

Asked if a nod from Obama would change her plans, Hillary responded by saying, “If selected by Obama to be his running mate, I’ll take it, we’ll beat McCain, and after the election I’ll have that son-of-a-bitch Barack killed so I can take my rightful position as President of the United States!”

Elitist Plan to Exclude "Common" Candidates

Don't miss stories like this. Subscribe to the AoE Newsletter today!

Report by Bradford Hanson, SC Chapter

Each citing a Harvard Student’s recent Master’s Thesis, both Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama have vocalized support for a bipartisan plan to beef up the requirements for those seeking to be President of the United States. The plan, which is to be sponsored by Harvard Law alum Sen. Theodore Stevens (R-AK) and Yale alum Sen. Amy Klobuchar (D-MN), seeks to require all presidential candidates to have earned a degree issued by an Ivy League school. Hillary Clinton, in support of the proposed bill, commented, “The current standard of being born in the United States and being at least 35 years old, is simply placing the bar too low. We must increase the requirements to insure that viable candidates have the proper tools, experience, intelligence, and connections to fill the role as Commander in Chief of the most powerful nation on Earth.

Preston Watson III, the Harvard student who authored the paper that inspired the bill, wrote “Even if, hypothetically, a member of the peasant class had the intelligence and sensibilities necessary to lead this nation, only a Ivy League man has the resources to round out a proper Executive Branch.” Citing the George W. Bush administration which has filled the Executive Branch positions with a majority of Ivy Leaguers, Watson contrasts that with a “commoner” who, restrained by his social network, may fill the Executive Branch with “mechanics, waiters, carpenters, or whatever ‘Joe Lunchpail’ type loser may run in a particular commoner’s social circle. Sen. Barack Obama, a Harvard alum, defended the bill saying, “The Ivy League represents the cream of the American crop. Shouldn’t America put its best foot forward?”

Sen. John McCain, the presumptive Republican nominee for the presidency and U.S. Naval Academy graduate, rejected the bill on its face, saying that such a bill may exclude qualified candidates such as himself. McCain conditioned his support for the proposed bill saying, “There must be an exception for those who have, or through marriage have, over 100 million dollars in assets.”

New AoE Newsletter out Today

Attention Cadets!

The latest issue of the Official Semi-Sporadic Newsletter of the Army of Epiphenomenon is in the mail today.  If you would like to begin home delivery of the Newsletter, please contact your Chapter Commander today!

Obama Admits Addiction to Facebook Application

Report by Francis Berrant, OH Chapter

The Democratic Presidential primary heated up last week when the Clinton camp disclosed information to the press that suggests Barack Obama is addicted to Mob Wars, a game application available to Facebook users. Although Clinton initially denied that her campaign was the source of the story, she retracted that denial after the reporter who got the scoop released a statement saying, “that lying [female dog] called me herself.”

Following disclosure of the Mob Wars scandal, many technophobes around the country momentarily called for Obama to drop out of the race, before realizing that such a move would mean Clinton would make it to the general election, and quickly retracted their demands. Obama addressed his shameful vice by saying, “I initially started using Facebook purely for the networking opportunities. But before long, I was innocently toying with the idea of adding the fun Shrute Bucks application, then it was a Super Wall, and before long my Facebook profile was so full of applications I’d have to schedule an hour just to scroll through them all. Obama continued by saying, “A friend, well actually an acquaintance of a friend of an acquaintance of an acquaintance of a friend, sent me an invite to Mob Wars. I knew I had too many applications already, but I couldn’t resist checking it out. It had 4.5 stars, that’s out of 5, that means people like it.

Obama, pictured above as he was deciding whether to buy more weapons or invest his money in another casino, blames the loss in West Virginia on his addiction to Mob Wars, calling it his darkest hour. Sen. Obama has vowed to remove the application from his Facebook profile if elected President. Known as “Kid Killa B” on Mob Wars, Obama commented, “I’d remove it now but I just bought a crap load of grenade launchers and want to smoke some suckas who have been frontin’.”

Obama Bashes Gun Owners

Report by Deiter Yates, PA Chapter

One week ago, at a California event, Sen. Barack Obama called rural Americans “bitter” people who “cling to guns and religion.” During the passing week, his statements have become public, and yesterday he defended his statements at a stop in Indiana. “I should clarify, not all small town folk are bitter, stupid people, just those gun-toting rednecks.” Obama went on to say that “this country would be better off if the hillbillies would trade their guns and their god in on a brain.”

Obama’s pointed commentary on gun owners and church goers was shocking to many Americans who attend church services regularly and believe in the Second Amendment right to bear arms. “So Obama’s America would have no God and no Guns?” questioned John Abrams of Allentown, PA, “It’s a good thing Obama wasn’t in charge at the time of the Revolution. Paul Revere would have been riding his horse shouting, “The British are coming, the British are coming ... grab your ankles!”

“Obama’s vision for a gunless, godless America comes at the bequest of Group X, who has long strived for a powerless, hopeless citizenry,” commented a confidential DC source who went on to say that Group X is “planning a government modeled after that depicted in Orwell’s 1984.” Although Obama expressed regret yesterday for offending “right-minded rural Americans," he condemned gun owners as “too stupid to vote anyway.”