Kennedy to Subsidize Snack Cakes

Report by Jennifer Gomez, MA Chapter

Senator Ted Kennedy (D-MA) announced today that he will introduce a bill to the Senate tomorrow that will provide subsidies to Hostess, the maker of such beloved snack cakes as Twinkies, Ho Ho’s, and Ding Dongs. Kennedy defended the Snack Cake Assistance Act (S. 2974) by saying, “Despite the current economic downturn, Americans should not be deprived of necessities such as housing, electricity, and delicious Hostess goodness.”

Kennedy, a consummate nosher of Hostess brand snack cakes, has been romantically linked to Twinkie the Kid, the spokesfigure for Hostess Twinkies, and there is some rumblings on Capital Hill that this relationship is the impetus for the bill. Rumors of a long standing extramarital affair between Kennedy and Twinkie the Kid have circulated in Washington since the early 90’s. While many consider the affair to be homosexual in nature, many, despite the phallic nature of the snack cake, are reserving judgment until the sex of the spokesfigure can be ascertained. Senator Larry Craig (R-ID) defended Kennedy by saying, “There is no concrete evidence that Ted and Twinkie have been involved sexually. I believe Ted when he says they’re just friends; besides, if together, they are both consenting ... participants.”

The bill, to be introduced Tuesday, already has the informal support of many portly members in the Senate, however lobbyists for Little Debbie are readying an attack if the Act isn’t broadened to encompass the makers of competing snack cakes.