Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Lenin back from dead to thank DC lawmakers (12/10/90)

Report in AoE Newsletter by Founding Member Frank Stahlie (Dec. 1990)

After nearly sixty-seven years of torture in the lake of fire, Vladimir Ilyich Lenin, the chief architect of Soviet Communism, arose from the dead to meet with US Lawmakers yesterday. “My Comrades, though you probably don’t realize it, you capitalists have given this tortured spirit the greatest gift a dead tyrant could ever hope to receive!”

Though many of the lawmakers were taken aback to see the risen corpse of Lenin, many agreed that he was in remarkable shape given the rigors of burning in hell for two-thirds of a century. Sen. Hatch (UT) noted, “He looks great for being being dead so long; it must be a humid heat in Outer Darkness because his skin seems healthy and rejuvenated.”

Lenin met with key legislators from both sides of the aisle, and executive branch officials, behind closed doors for over four hours yesterday afternoon before joining President Bush at the White House for dinner. While the full extent of Lenin’s comments to government officials is not clear, an undisclosed source revealed that Lenin praised the growth in the US federal government and the back room dealmaking that has lead to one of the most totalitarian governments the world has ever seen. Lenin was quoted as saying “the extent to which the Neo-Cons and the so-called liberals have worked together do decimate the freedoms of the American people is a testament to what good government can accomplish.” Apparently, the actions of the US government have not gone unnoticed in Hell, which has greatly reduced the scrutiny formerly given to such tyranical luminaries as Hitler, Mao, and Lenin himself, by the Dark Prince. “Given the fine, albeit evil, work that you are accomplishing up here, former government officials down there are steadily being seen in a better light.” Apparently, that reduced scrutiny has lead to shorter periods of excruciating torment each day, and fewer of “those brain worm things” as Lenin described them.

No comments: