FDA Approves Intestinal Slip ‘n Slide

Report by John Turner, OH Chapter

On the advice of Rear Admiral Steven K. Galson, M.D., M.P.H., Acting Surgeon General, the FDA approved a controversial new formula developed by Pfizer Pharmaceuticals that boasts an end to constipation.  The new Pfizer drug, called Poop Shooter Plus, mixes Viagra with Phenolphthalein (a common yet possibly carcinogenic laxative) and claims to straighten the colon so that gravity will help aid intestinal evacuation.  Rear Admiral Galson said of Poop Shooter Plus, “It turns the colon into a veritable Slip ‘n Slide for turds.”

Pfizer plans promote the new drug by introducing the concept of “poop confusion” whereby defecants get lost en route to the rectum in a traditionally shaped colon.  By utilizing Viagra, Pfizer’s new drug is able to straighten the colon so that the laxative can easily move the turds south and out.

Rear Admiral Galson, acting Surgeon General of the United States, has been lobbying the FDA for passage of the drug from his sprawling 500 acre estate near the Hamptons for the past 90 days.  Incidently, Rear Admiral Galson purchased the estate from Pfizer CEO Jeff Kindler for $1000 just three months ago.