Obama to Celebrate Functional Alcoholics

Report by John Richards, RI Chapter

In a show of support for his recently announced running mate, Democratic White House Contender, Barack Obama announced today that, if elected, he will create a new Federal holiday in celebration of functional alcoholics.  Obama, who has long admired Joe Biden’s ability to balance his heavy drinking with his professional life, believes that setting a day apart to remember the important contributions that working alcoholics have made to our country is “long past due.”

Calling functional alcoholics the “unsung heroes of the American workplace” at a press conference in Denver, where the Illinois Senator has been attending the Democratic National Convention, Obama, stated, “This country was built on the backs of courageous individuals, who day in and day out, have the sheer intestinal fortitude to roll out of bed after a hard night of drinking and only a couple hours sleep, wash down a handful of aspirin with a little hair-of-the-dog, and bravely trudge off work; often even making it to work on time.”  The Democratic Nominee said he envisioned employers celebrating the would-be midweek holiday by sending employees home the day before with a case of Pabst Blue Ribbon.

George W. Bush, who missed the announcement because of an ongoing SpongeBob SquarePants marathon, cried out in a rare moment of lucidity, “Patrick is Dauber! Dauber is Patrick!”