Bush to Attack Bermuda

Report by Edmond King, LA Chapter

On Thursday, President George W. Bush, set into motion a plan to create a retirement villa fit for a king. A source close to the President reported that President Bush had been considering Bermuda as a site for his retirement, however was hesitant because of the U.K. control of the islands. “The President loves Bermuda, but under British control, it just isn’t a suitable place for an ex-President of the United States; therefore the Bush Administration has decided to overtake the collective of islands and declare them a U.S. Territory.”

Reports indicate that a Bush led assault will commence at 05:00 Saturday with bombs being dropped via fighter jets onto the strategic targets of Hamilton, the capital of Bermuda, the historic town of St. George’s, and the Royal Naval Dockyard on Ireland Island South. “The President expects a quick and decisive resolution,” indicated a source close to the White House, “in addition to the air raids, Bush has instructed the Navy to surround the islands, making English fortification impossible.” General Petraeus, recently recalled from Iraq to carry out the Bermuda invasion, estimated a 45 - 60 minutes siege, saying, “those English bastards will be grabbing their ankles screaming ‘bangers and mash’ in no time.”

Once the islands are under U.S. control, President Bush will begin construction of a 500,000 square foot palacial retirement villa for himself and Laura so that he may retire in a manner “suitable for a U.S. President.” The villa, designed by famed architect Peter Eisenman, who currently teaches at Yale University is set to begin construction in February of 2009. In a backroom deal made with Congress, the Bush family will purchase 500 acres of prime Bermuda real estate for 5 cents an acre. President Bush defended the plan by saying, “Imperialism is what made America great! Besides, Bermuda is a helluva lot closer to the U.S. than Britain, and should rightfully be ours anyway.”