Spielberg, Lucas Offend Fellow Communists

Report by Barbara Herrington, CA Chapter

The Director-Producer team of Steven Spielberg and George Lucas raised the ire of fellow Communists back in the Motherland with the release of the fourth installment of the Indiana Jones series. “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull,” which consequently could have been named “Indiana Jones and the Curse of the Bad Screenplay,” pits Harrison Ford against an evil KGB agent played by Cate Blanchet. Communist lawmakers in St. Petersburg whined about the script calling it “unfair,” “intolerant,” and “mean-spirited.” Andrei Andreyev, a Moscow Communist, stated, after seeing the movie, “I was so mad I wanted to dig up the bones of Vladimir Lenin and beat the pseudo-Communist beards off those no-talent hacks.” Andreyev continued by saying, “If I ever find a real alien, I shove it so far up [the shared colon of Spielberg and Lucas] that both will have to speak Klingon to understand each other.”

In responding to the turmoil created by the film’s release, Spielberg, who gives 5% of his post tax income to the cold remains of the Communist Party in Russia, offered an apology to the Communist Party but defended the script by saying, “it is in tune with Lenin’s vision of pacifying the bourgeoisie pigs with mindless drivel while secretly tearing apart the very fabric of the Capitalist structure in the U.S.” “Besides,” Spielberg went on, “principles are for the poor.” Lucas chimed in to say, “What’s the big deal? It’s not as though ours is a viable socio-economic model anyway. Besides, Klingon is from Star Trek you ignorant donkey!”

Oklahoma Introduces New State Motto

Report by Gerald Lotonmeier, OK Chapter

The Sooner State unveiled its new State Motto Tuesday to an excited crowd of almost 15 Oklahomans. The new Motto, “Pity us!”, is an attempt by the Oklahoma Legislature to bring attention to the plight which is living in Oklahoma. The state has long been considered the armpit of the South, and despite boasting the most obese city in the nation, the Oklahoma tourism industry is virtually non-existent. Having no

marketable assets with which to lure visitors to the state, Oklahoma has decided to invoke the pity card to entice soft-hearted would-be tourists to at least drive through the state, fill up with gas, and by a cold soda, on the way to a more interesting destination.

Oklahoma Governor Brad Henry applauded the new motto saying, “After enduring almost a billion jokes about Oklahoma being ‘The Sooner feed my own intestines into a meat grinder than be there State’ we have accepted our inadequacy and have decided to hang our hat on the only thing going for us, namely our pitiableness.”

Elitist Plan to Exclude "Common" Candidates

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Report by Bradford Hanson, SC Chapter

Each citing a Harvard Student’s recent Master’s Thesis, both Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama have vocalized support for a bipartisan plan to beef up the requirements for those seeking to be President of the United States. The plan, which is to be sponsored by Harvard Law alum Sen. Theodore Stevens (R-AK) and Yale alum Sen. Amy Klobuchar (D-MN), seeks to require all presidential candidates to have earned a degree issued by an Ivy League school. Hillary Clinton, in support of the proposed bill, commented, “The current standard of being born in the United States and being at least 35 years old, is simply placing the bar too low. We must increase the requirements to insure that viable candidates have the proper tools, experience, intelligence, and connections to fill the role as Commander in Chief of the most powerful nation on Earth.

Preston Watson III, the Harvard student who authored the paper that inspired the bill, wrote “Even if, hypothetically, a member of the peasant class had the intelligence and sensibilities necessary to lead this nation, only a Ivy League man has the resources to round out a proper Executive Branch.” Citing the George W. Bush administration which has filled the Executive Branch positions with a majority of Ivy Leaguers, Watson contrasts that with a “commoner” who, restrained by his social network, may fill the Executive Branch with “mechanics, waiters, carpenters, or whatever ‘Joe Lunchpail’ type loser may run in a particular commoner’s social circle. Sen. Barack Obama, a Harvard alum, defended the bill saying, “The Ivy League represents the cream of the American crop. Shouldn’t America put its best foot forward?”

Sen. John McCain, the presumptive Republican nominee for the presidency and U.S. Naval Academy graduate, rejected the bill on its face, saying that such a bill may exclude qualified candidates such as himself. McCain conditioned his support for the proposed bill saying, “There must be an exception for those who have, or through marriage have, over 100 million dollars in assets.”

New AoE Newsletter out Today

Attention Cadets!

The latest issue of the Official Semi-Sporadic Newsletter of the Army of Epiphenomenon is in the mail today.  If you would like to begin home delivery of the Newsletter, please contact your Chapter Commander today!

Obama Admits Addiction to Facebook Application

Report by Francis Berrant, OH Chapter

The Democratic Presidential primary heated up last week when the Clinton camp disclosed information to the press that suggests Barack Obama is addicted to Mob Wars, a game application available to Facebook users. Although Clinton initially denied that her campaign was the source of the story, she retracted that denial after the reporter who got the scoop released a statement saying, “that lying [female dog] called me herself.”

Following disclosure of the Mob Wars scandal, many technophobes around the country momentarily called for Obama to drop out of the race, before realizing that such a move would mean Clinton would make it to the general election, and quickly retracted their demands. Obama addressed his shameful vice by saying, “I initially started using Facebook purely for the networking opportunities. But before long, I was innocently toying with the idea of adding the fun Shrute Bucks application, then it was a Super Wall, and before long my Facebook profile was so full of applications I’d have to schedule an hour just to scroll through them all. Obama continued by saying, “A friend, well actually an acquaintance of a friend of an acquaintance of an acquaintance of a friend, sent me an invite to Mob Wars. I knew I had too many applications already, but I couldn’t resist checking it out. It had 4.5 stars, that’s out of 5, that means people like it.

Obama, pictured above as he was deciding whether to buy more weapons or invest his money in another casino, blames the loss in West Virginia on his addiction to Mob Wars, calling it his darkest hour. Sen. Obama has vowed to remove the application from his Facebook profile if elected President. Known as “Kid Killa B” on Mob Wars, Obama commented, “I’d remove it now but I just bought a crap load of grenade launchers and want to smoke some suckas who have been frontin’.”

McCain Presidency Plan to Include Pandering

Report by Jan Fellows, VT Chapter

Sen. John McCain revealed his vision for his presidency yesterday during a speech in Columbus Ohio. The plan, which included McCain’s predictions regarding the situation in Iraq and international terrorism, dealt extensively with his willingness to allow corporations and special interest groups to use the federal government as a doormat. Gus Jenkins, a lobbyist for the petroleum industry, greeted the revelation with excitement saying, “McCain’s ‘maverick’ reputation had many of us a little nervous about the future of our ability to pass friendly legislation by the President’s desk, but McCain’s comments make it clear that if he should somehow beat Obama, we can continue to screw the American people.

In the speech, McCain explained, “Corporations and special interest groups are the backbone of this great nation, they need and deserve special consideration when making decisions about how to spend the money of working Americans, and via continuing deficits, the money of future working Americans.” McCain continued by saying, “If people mattered, they would raise their collective voice, but they are adequately pacified by satellite television, XBox 360, and Internet porn, which allows the government to concentrate on what is really important, which, of course, is to distribute U.S. Dollars to corporations in which [government officials] hold stock, and special interests groups which promote some particular program or project that benefits Washington insiders in some financial way.”

Attempts to get reactions to McCain’s comments from average working class Americans, were generally answered by, “Dude who is John McCain?” or “Didn’t he die like three years ago?”

One on One with Twinkie the Kid

Exclusive Interview by Janet Beacon, NJ Chapter

AoE: Twinkie, just to begin, can you tell us about your relationship with Hostess?

Kid: Well, I came on board with the company (Hostess) in 1947. Back then, I did a lot of appearances, commercials, and what not. Over the years, my job shifted from advertising to lobbying and I was moved from L.A. to D.C. in the late 80’s. I still do some appearances at county fairs and music festivals, that sort of thing, but mainly my job is to hobnob with Congressmen, you know, work them so that Hostess gets favorable treatment.

AoE: There has been some talk lately about your relationship with Senator Ted Kennedy. Are you willing to respond to accusations that you and Kennedy have been involved in a sexual relationship.

Kid: Ted and I have been involved in a casual relationship for about 15 years.

AoE: Can you elaborate?

Kid: In 1992 or 93, the company (Hostess) asked me to take Ted out and have a few drinks, slip him an envelope full of hundies ($100 bills), you know, typical lobbyist stuff. We hit it off immediately, we really had an instant connection. I’m drawn to powerful men, and Ted is drawn to snack cakes ... one drink led to another ... we got drunk and Ted drove me back to his place - which in retrospect, given his track record, probably wasn’t the best choice; fortunately we didn’t have to cross any bridges.

AoE: So you and Senator Kennedy have been involved in a sexual relationship for about 15 years.

Kid: Yes

AoE: Would you characterize the relationship as a homosexual one?

Kid: What do you think? I’m a cowboy with hearts on my handkerchief; my name is “Twinkie” for heaven’s sake ... how obvious could it be?

AoE: What made you decide to come forward with details about the relationship?

Kid: For 15 years, I’ve been putting up with Ted using me for my creme-filled goodness. He’s been leading me on with promises to leave his wife and to introduce legislation that promotes Hostess’ interest for that whole time.

AoE: But he did introduce that legislation didn’t he? The Snack Cake Assistance Act (SCAA).

Kid: Only after I left him. It was an attempt to get me back; but it was too little too late. I wasted 15 years on him. I passed up opportunities with Barney Frank and Herb Kohl, men that would have appreciated me and treated me like the beautiful, intelligent snack cake that I am; instead I’ve put up with being Ted’s Ho-Ho. Well, I will be [Ted’s] Ho-Ho no longer!

Kennedy to Subsidize Snack Cakes

Report by Jennifer Gomez, MA Chapter

Senator Ted Kennedy (D-MA) announced today that he will introduce a bill to the Senate tomorrow that will provide subsidies to Hostess, the maker of such beloved snack cakes as Twinkies, Ho Ho’s, and Ding Dongs. Kennedy defended the Snack Cake Assistance Act (S. 2974) by saying, “Despite the current economic downturn, Americans should not be deprived of necessities such as housing, electricity, and delicious Hostess goodness.”

Kennedy, a consummate nosher of Hostess brand snack cakes, has been romantically linked to Twinkie the Kid, the spokesfigure for Hostess Twinkies, and there is some rumblings on Capital Hill that this relationship is the impetus for the bill. Rumors of a long standing extramarital affair between Kennedy and Twinkie the Kid have circulated in Washington since the early 90’s. While many consider the affair to be homosexual in nature, many, despite the phallic nature of the snack cake, are reserving judgment until the sex of the spokesfigure can be ascertained. Senator Larry Craig (R-ID) defended Kennedy by saying, “There is no concrete evidence that Ted and Twinkie have been involved sexually. I believe Ted when he says they’re just friends; besides, if together, they are both consenting ... participants.”

The bill, to be introduced Tuesday, already has the informal support of many portly members in the Senate, however lobbyists for Little Debbie are readying an attack if the Act isn’t broadened to encompass the makers of competing snack cakes.

Cheers and Booze as Death Penalty Returns

Report by Chester Tanner, TX Chapter

The race is on to be the first to resume state sanctioned executions since the injunction issued by the U.S. Supreme Court last September, and Death Penalty advocates couldn’t be happier. Mississippi appears to have narrowly edged out the competition by scheduling Earl Wesley Berry for a lethal injection on Monday, May 5th. Georgia is holding strong in the number two position, with the execution of William Earl Lynd planned for Tuesday. “Mississippi shouldn’t count it’s chickens before they hatch,” says Georgia Attorney General Thurbert E. Baker, “Berry is a retard, and has a good chance at getting a delay.” If Berry gets that delay, then Lynd will die first, shifting bragging rights to Georgia.

No death penalties have been carried out in the U.S. since Michael Wayne Richard was put out of the citizenry's misery in September of 2007. “The [Supreme] Court decided to take up the Constitutionality of lethal injection a couple hours before we shot that son of a [gun] up with poison,” reminisced Texas Attorney General Greg Abbott, ”we figured the injunction was coming, but decided it’s easy to ask for forgiveness than permission.” Because of the back ups on Death Rows across the country, the recent ruling by the Supreme Court that lethal injections were indeed Constitutional sparked a mad dash by states to free up some jail cells.

Texas, which has far outperformed other states in number of executions, is not in the running for first execution, but will make up for that by disposing of four inmates in June and July. Virginia, Florida, Alabama, Illinois, Oklahoma, and South Dakota will also be clearing space in their prisons during the upcoming summer months. Meanwhile, excitement is growing in Mississippi and Georgia where fans of the Death Penalty are camping outside of the respective facilities at what have become week long tailgate parties. In a display of just how competitive the push to resume executions has become, the gathered crowds have set up video feeds linked to both prisons, and the spirited tailgaters have taken to chanting, back and forth, such things as, “We’ve got needles, yes we do; we’ve got needles how ‘bout you.”

Coulter: Creating Wealth, American Style

Report by Michael Stevens, IL Chapter

Conservative Political Pundit Ann Coulter announced today that she will soon be publishing a new book and related line of clothing. The book, Creating Wealth, American Style, “combines a history of effective money generating businesses, with specific details that the reader can use to begin their own money generating enterprise,” explained Coulter. The clothing line, accompanying the release of the book, is designed to celebrate the tradition of successful American business.

“I’ve always believed that history is the best teacher,” commented Coulter, “by combining lessons from the past with information about current technology, the reader will be equipped with a full toolbox with which to build their own successful business.” Coulter continued by saying, “A reader can learn from the bootleggers’ experience, and will have access to information on, say, making crystal meth in his or her own bathtub.”

The book includes a concise history of various business models, such as protection rackets, book making, bootlegging, and drug dealing. Additionally, the reader is given tips on how to effectively threaten and torture, clean up after a hit, buy and sell contraband, and produce high quality drugs with limited resources. The book, published by McMillian Jensen, will hit bookstores on June 1st.