Washington News In Brief

McCain Promises to Break Fewer Promises

Report by Bill Parker, NC Chapter

Shocked by the revelation that the citizenry is tired of the empty promises issued by politicians during every election cycle, presumptive Republican nominee, John McCain issued a statement to reassure voters. “Voters should rest easy knowing that I, if elected, promise to break fewer promises than Mr. Obama would have if he were elected.” McCain, continued by adding , “... and that is a promise you can bank on.”

Congress to Regulate the Labeling of Hot Dogs

Report by Walter Jones, OH Chapter

Succumbing to pressure from pro-decency groups, Congress, under the guise of the Commerce Clause, is considering a Bill that would prohibit hot dog producers from using the term “wiener” for product identification. Tasha Johnson, a spokesperson for the decency lobby, attacked the label “wiener” as phallic slang and hurtful to any woman who has ever consumed a hot dog. Because of the synonymous nature that “hot dog”, “frank”, and “tube steak” also share with male genitalia, those terms will likely be banned as well, according to a Capital Hill source. Johnson and her group have suggested the named “intestine encased meat and/or meat byproduct product” to be substituted for the offensive labels currently used.

Obama “Deeply Committed” to Almost Everything

Report by Sabrina Kerr, MO Chapter

White House Contender Barack Obama announced today, amidst concerns from some voters that he wasn’t concerned about particular issues, that he was “deeply committed to whatever issue anybody thinks is important.” Conversely, Obama also stated, “I am equally uncommitted to any issue that any citizen deems unimportant.” The Democratic nominee clarified his stance by saying, “Basically, I’m deeply committed to being deeply committed to issues that voters believe I should be deeply committed to.”