Army of Epiphenomenon

Perot's 'Freaky Friday' Plot

Report by John Fitzgibbons, DE Chapter

Texas businessman Ross Perot, who opposed the will of his fellow Group X brethren and campaigned for the post of President of the United States against George H. W. Bush and Bill Clinton in 1992, has apparently made another unsuccessful wild card run at the top U.S. office; however this time as noted DC outsider, Ron Paul. While the full details of this elaborate hoax are yet to be unraveled, it is clear that Ross Perot will go to no end to defy his former friends to gain the Presidency.

Ross Perot, who made his fortune from founding Electronic Data Systems (EDS) in 1962 after leaving the employ of IBM, has an estimated worth of 4.4 billion dollars. Perot apparently joined the ranks of the recently named Group X in 1984 after selling EDS to General Motors, securing his place as one of the wealthiest men in the United States. “Perot never saw eye-to-eye with the group,” confided one DC insider, “Ross believed that he could carpetbag the citizenry and further the goals of the group more quickly than a puppet, as the group was accustomed to using.”

As he did in 1992 (and 1996), Perot misjudged the response of American voters to a so-called “DC outsider” and selected Congressman Ron Paul as his vehicle to move to the White House. “The American people’s discontent, as of yet, just doesn’t match Perot’s anticipation,” offered an unnamed DC pundit, “he should have listened to his fellows.” Instead, Perot went forward with his plan to perform a brain transplant on Ron Paul so that Perot could assume the identity of the political rebel.

Perot, who has been conspicuously absent from the political scene in recent years, had Ron Paul abducted from his home in 2006 and Perot paid a handsome fee to have his brain transplanted into Ron Paul’s head. By making use of Ron Paul’s identity, Perot believed that he could reside at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Since the time of the risky and unperfected surgery, Perot has been acting on the Congressman’s behalf. “I thought it suspicious that [Congressman] Paul couldn’t remember the racist comments made in his newsletter twenty years ago,” commented a member of the major media, “but we were told to ‘let it go.’”

Rumor has it that Ron Paul’s brain was cryogenically frozen and is now cryopreserved, alongside Perot’s body, in a hidden compartment behind a rack of extremely expensive Montrachet white Burgundy wines in Perot’s wine cellar. “The work is phenomenal,” offered Joan Rivers, a veteran of elective surgery, “I wish I had his doctor.”

Now that it is apparent that this newest bid for the Presidency is just another political failure on Perot’s resume, it is unclear if he will have his brain returned to his own body. One source close to the Perot family confided that Perot’s wife, Margot Birmingham, has grown accustom to sex with her husband as a man five years younger. With Perot’s prospects for the Presidency growing worse with every year and every misguided plot, it is likely that Mrs. Perot’s desire for sex with a younger seventy-year-old will guide Perot’s plan for the future.