Army of Epiphenomenon

We’ll Take That Rifle Now Mr. Heston

Report by Gary Munson, MT Chapter.

Group X, the secret organization of ultra-rich progressive Neo-Cons, who has been trying to rid the citizenry of their right to bear arms, struck a major blow to our Constitutional liberties by assassinating former NRA President and screen legend, Charlton Heston. Although the major media is spinning the murder as a death from natural causes, a source close to the family reported that Heston was killed execution style by an assailant who left a business card with the Group X logo on the front, and the words, “We’ll take that rifle now Mr. Heston,” on the back.  The note is an obvious allusion to Mr. Heston’s famous challenge to gun control advocates that that they could take his rifle when they pried it from his “cold, dead hands.”

Heston, 84, the Oscar winning actor famous for playing such iconic roles as Moses, Ben Hur, and Michelangelo, died instantaneously from the close range gun shot to his head late Saturday night. “Isn’t it ironic, that the group of people that want us unarmed, used a gun to further their agenda,” said Wayne LaPierre, Executive Vice President of the NRA, in a statement unpublished by the major media outlets. LaPierre continued, “It’s as if they believe they have some birthright privilege to use guns that ordinary American people don’t have.”

The move and method speak a loud clear message to those with ears to hear. Group X is willing to murder us if that is what it takes to pry our guns from our hands. When the guns are taken away from the people, there will be no way to take our country back from the new class of nobility that has arisen in our nation. “We kick one king’s ass out of our country, I think it is time to do again,” commented Roger Sparks of Americans Standing Strong, “The good book says ‘eye for an eye,’ let’s lock and load boys, a progressive's gonna die tonight!”

While a few Americans, like Mr. Sparks, have been prompted by Heston’s martyrdom to water the Tree of Liberty, Heston’s death is seen by most to be a tragic loss in the fight to remain armed. “With Chuck gone, I wonder if we really have a chance now,” stated Libby Thomas, a midwest housewife and gun rights advocate, “the light in the tower has shot out; I don’t know if we can still find our way.”

The timing of the assassination can be no coincidence. The United States Supreme Court is currently hearing DC v. Heller, a case that will determine the future of our right to bear arms. “This killing sent a strong message to the Justices, and you can bet they heard it loud and clear,” predicted one DC pundit, “any Justice that sides against Group X can expect the same fate as Mr. Heston.” If true, that prediction could seal the fate of American gun rights; let’s hope that our Justices have the tenacity of the late Charlton Heston.