Army of Epiphenomenon

Pope Condemns US Hypocrisy

Report by Harold Johnson, DE Chapter

Following three days of addressing sexual abuse scandals involving Catholic clergymen in the United States, Pope Benedict XVI flew to New York City this morning to address the General Assembly of the United Nations. The Pope, who took some time while on the flight to reflect on the events of the past few days, decided to release a final statement on the issue upon landing. The revered head of the Catholic Church stopped briefly to address reporters before leaving the airport and heading to the United Nations.

“For three days I have answered questions about priests abusing children,” began the Pope, “and I’m not defending the actions of those men; however I find it rich that American adults are taking issue with the screwing of kids. Have you seen your national debt? Hello kettle, this is pot ....” Who do Americans think is going to have to pay that debt? Will the adults of this country live to repay the debt they are accumulating? Fat chance! Americans are not only screwing their children, but their children’s children, and their children’s children’s children. Catholic priests haven’t found away to screw the unborn, but American elected officials have, and the people of this country don’t seem to be raising a fuss about that!”

Upon delivering the statement, the Pope immediately stepped into an awaiting bulletproof limo and left without answering questions, leaving members of the American press speechless. “I was completely flabbergasted,” stated one member of the press upon regaining his composure, “I mean, it’s true, every word he said; we are giving future generations a royal screwing. He’s the Pope; hell, you can’t argue with the Pope.