Hillary Rebukes Voting Public

Report by Steve Douglas

After conceding Tuesday night that her hopes for the Presidency are all but lost, but with out actually conceding the Democratic nomination, Sen. Hillary Clinton rocked the Democratic Party by referring to her party members as “silly, stupid, [explitive] pusillanimous simpletons who wouldn’t recognize the best candidate for the job if she slithered up the crapper from the sewer and grabbed them by the [testicles].” Noting that she still held the country’s best interest at heart and didn’t hold grudges, Clinton went on to say that she would “allow” Barack Obama to select her as his running mate.

In private conversations leading up to the psuedo-concession, Hillary revealed to those close to her that she felt the “dumb-ass” American public dashed her dreams of living in a “Barbarella” world. The reference to “Barbarella” apparently stems from Clinton’s private love of the 1968 classic in which the heroine, played by Jane Fonda, saves the galaxy while wearing as little as possible. “What really appeals to Hillary is not the movie’s sexual content, but that the Earth, as described in the movie, is one that embraces strong women and has advanced to a state that actual contact during sexual intimacy is no longer necessary,” revealed Clinton’s former psychologist.

Clinton, who first saw the movie Barbarella, Queen of the Galaxy, during her undergraduate studies at Wellesley College, quickly thereafter left her post as President of the campus Young Republicans, and has since harbored a nearly psychotic infatuation with the politically outspoken liberal Fonda. Those close to Clinton have agreed that were it not for Hillary’s bizarre crush on Jane Fonda, she would likely be a Conservative powerhouse to this day. “If not for Barbarella, it is quite likely that Hillary might be vying to be McCain’s running mate instead of Obama’s,” speculated an unnamed Clinton staffer.