Vatican Reevaluates Birth Control

Report by Sean Callahan

The Catholic Church released a statement Friday stating that the Vatican would soon be reevaluating its stance on birth control in response to a 10,000 page document compiled by a group calling itself Catholics for Responsible Procreation (CRP). The document includes a statistical evaluation of the intelligence of American fast food employees and “big-box” retail store associates, as well as over 5,000 randomly selected individual profiles of such workers. Cardinal Ramon Edwardo Franchesco Valdez, the Pontiff’s liaison in matters pertaining to the use of contraceptives explained, “[The Vatican] was simply unaware of such a grave need for birth control. The pictures and biographical information of these pathetic creatures is incontrovertible proof of the need for rubbers.”

Bishop Romanov Panchensky, another member of the Revered Potentate’s crack committee assigned to evaluate the document provided by CRP, stated, “Theologically, [the Vatican] will always oppose birth control, but staring at the pictures of the retards schlepping Big Macs and pawning cut rate Sam’s Choice crap off on the unsuspecting American public makes one appreciate what a thin layer of latex can accomplish.”

Bert Harris, spokesperson for CRP, defended the report saying, “The evidence speaks for itself, you’ve been to McDonalds, do you want those people breeding?” This world does not need another 400 pound cross-eyed heifer with only 4 teeth, let alone some pathetic neanderthal loser willing to crawl in the sack with her!” Harris went on to say, “We are very excited that the Pope is taking this matter seriously, obviously our merciful Lord does not intend for us the burden of sharing this planet with the dandies currently responsible for super-sizing our combo meals.”